Unworthy

Sometimes I struggle with the question Am I a good Christian?
Satan tells me that I'm not worthy of the love of Christ. That I know better so I should do better. That I'm too broken. That I need to be perfect to serve Him or to be light.

Satan tells me to compare myself to others. And it becomes even harder to see the truth that is muddied by his lies and the lies of comparison.

What is my worth as Christ's child? Where does my identity in being a child of God come from?

Am I worth my appearance, my performance, my intellect? Should my Christian walk defined by the things I do for Jesus and my ability to be more loving?

I think personal self worth is one of the areas Satan loves to attack us because He knows how much it can affect us- making us either guilty and isolated or prideful and judgmental.

1. I am worth it all. It's all about me. I'm precious in God's sight.
    I am a great Christian. I am an awesome minister of God's love.
    Jesus must love me a lot, maybe even more than them.
    I've worked for this. I'm successful because of my history and hard work. I've worked to get this         close to Christ.

Or in opposition we deny our worth choosing not to respect ourselves or to accept the love of Christ and find meaning.

2. I have no worth. I need others to fulfill me. 
    I am just a puppet going through life; or I have no      purpose in life.
    I lack the confidence to do that. I can't be bold for Jesus because woe is me.
    I am unloved. I am a martyr for Christ because I don't have any friends.
    Jesus loves me but probably less than him/her. My sins weigh me down and I am not worthy.

I don't know about you but I've definitely danced between the two extremes.

In many ways the world and the church applauds confidence. They like fake it till you make it; they want perfection- the great Christian image.

And yet in many other ways, Biblically it seems that those who see themselves as less often have an easier time finding God. For He teaches us "blessed are the humble; blessed are the meek; those who are burdened; or empty spirited."

Often I see a paradox in the Bible with the people who know their worth realizing that they are in the wrong about what they believe about themselves and have no place in the Kingdom of God. And yet people who call themselves unworthy find their worth in Christ.

Biblically I believe that we find our worth in knowing Christ- a redeemer who chose to invest in us- although we were broken, to fight to re-establish value in a flawed creation.

1 Peter 1:18-19 says "You were not redeemed with perishable things, like silver of gold from your futile way of life inherited from your forefathers, but with precious blood as of a lamb unblemished and spotless, the blood of Christ." That's what Christ paid for us even though we are sinners. Christ said You are worth it. You were worth dying for. You were worth coming down to this earth.

But although Christ risked so much for our worth- because He loved us- His goal was not just to die saying "I love you" but to save us from the slavery of selfishness. Satan the great deceiver and the father of all lies and counterfeits loves this worth game, he loves to twist around the worth Christ bestows on us. If you are worth it, then put yourself first- thus eradicating the principle of selfless love- which is the principle of the kingdom of God.

Satan lies to us saying "Your worth so much- promote yourself- do what it takes to make yourself look good. " And when you fall for it, He will say "Now you're a sinner, now you're broken, you are in bondage and you are not worth God's saving grace again and again."

These are the lies that Satan speaks to us to make us feel unworthy. Because if we feel unworthy, we won't come to the banquet table to feast with Christ.

And yet Christ calls us and beckons us by name. He reminds us that through him, we can find love and value. That we can find the courage to be changed from the inside out. He promises that his grace is sufficient for all our weaknesses and that he actually wants to use our shortcomings (1 Corinthians 12:9).

When we meet Jesus, we may fall on our faces, saying Holy, Holy, Holy.
And we may feel so unworthy of His love because we haven't done anything to deserve it.
But Christ will remind us, that we are His friends, that we are His daughters and sons, and that this wedding feast is for us to celebrate with Him.

I know for me, I seek to understand that knowing Christ and following Him isn't about externals. It can never be measured by what other people think, what I say or do, but it is about my heart knowing Jesus. It is about the daily surrender of my life to His principles of love. And I don't know about you, but I want to have the worth of being Christ's child. I don't want to be prideful and think I'm better than anyone, but I want to have the value of knowing I am part of an eternal family which gives me the courage to love others and bestow upon them worth as well.