depths of nursing life

I hear the lyrics in the background "Into the deep I will go with you; immerse me, immerse me." And I sob, I'm crying at 2 am in the morning because I can't sleep.

I'm tired. Everything is out of focus.
I can't be a good pediatric nurse.
I can't meet the children's needs in the ways that I hoped I could.
And night shift is taking my nutrition, exercise schedule, personal life, everything to the ground.
I question God "Is this what it means to get deep? Is this where you want me -- broken?"

The kind lady whispers to me, "You are the girl who brings mylar balloons and stuffed animals to children, who dances around trying to make them laugh. Don't lose 'her' ".

And I ask her, how? How do I hold onto my dreams when all I see is darkness? How do I wait and wait and wait for so long- without giving impatient or losing hope? Is the vision I have worthwhile? Or am I just an idealistic girl with too high dreams and expectations?

Last Valentines day night I was so emotionally and physically exhausted. I didn't want to go back to work, but after putting on my scrubs, I got the greatest idea. What if I could go and buy mylar heart shaped balloons and bring valentines for the kids on the hospital floor? I was so excited for a minute about the idea of doing something fun to make the kids smile.

It resonated with the deep desire of my heart to care for kids, to be a mom for kids who don't have one who is emotionally present, to have a family. Not just pills to children and taking vital signs- but getting to know them, building rapport, and meeting their emotional needs, investing in them. It reminded me of the glorious years I spent volunteering at the children's hospital, doing the same- bringing balloons, and dressing up, and making the kids smile.

And then my dear housemate reminded me that the hospital policy probably wouldn't allow gifts.
Just like they don't allow me to volunteer their anymore because I work there.
The same way they remind us not too "get too attached to kids or their families."

Your supposed to care but your not supposed to care too much- or something like that. You have to be able to do the job quickly and efficiently. You're more likely to burn out if you become too emotionally involved.

That's the role of a nurse. I'm now beginning to understand why nurses can often be mean and compassion-less creatures when they are in the profession that requires kindness. They're overworked, under-thanked, and frankly they don't have the energy to care or are shut down too often for trying.

I never wanted to be a nurse. I definitely never wanted to work in a hospital, giving meds and having to stick kids sometimes. But now that I am, I realize that I have to be a careful. It's far too easy to stop caring; it's far too easy to be a robot going through the motions and forget God's calling for me.

I love the children's hospital that I'm working at; I appreciate the staff and the things I'm learning. But the truth is, I can't provide the care I want to provide. I can't meet the kids on an emotional and spiritual level. There are rules; time constraints; expectations. I'm a new nurse, which means each skill takes me more time and effort than everyone else.

And that's hard. It's disappointing when you have an idea but can't seem to make it work. When you see what could be happening and know you are not working to your highest potential, yet know that you must be patient. It's my dream to work at an orphanage- to take care of kids who have needs emotionally, spiritually, or physically. Or to take care of sick kids and nurture them back to health. I thought that I would be able to be that "super nurse" at my new pediatric job. But the truth is, I can't.

I have to have patience. I have to develop my nursing skills. I have to wait more, and more, and more. Waiting of God to teach me how to be a better nurse; waiting on God to learn pediatric nursing skills; waiting on God to call me to serve abroad; waiting on God for a family or kids to love in a deeper way.

There's a quote that says "It's always a mistake to determine what you want to do before you establish who you want to be."

I think I know what I want to do- I want to be an orphan mom; I want to take care of sick kids. I want to have a family; I want to be "super nurse". But I can't do anything about those things...

What I can do, is change and develop who I am.

I can become closer to Christ.
I can become a woman who is better at loving other people and children.
I can practice patience.
I can learn what it means to sacrifice for Jesus.

I don't have to wait to invest deeper in my relationship in Jesus. I don't have to wait to surrender my life; to learn to give of myself before others. To learn what it means to trust, to forgive, to accept love. I don't have to wait to go in the depths of adventures with Jesus til I'm overseas.

Maybe pediatric hospital nursing isn't my dream job-  maybe it's disapointing- but I know that I can learn so much from where I'm at right now. And I can work on my relationship with Christ right now. That when I'm broken- He can be the healer. Where I'm weak He can be stronger. When I'm tired, He can be powerful.