Unworthy

Sometimes I struggle with the question Am I a good Christian?
Satan tells me that I'm not worthy of the love of Christ. That I know better so I should do better. That I'm too broken. That I need to be perfect to serve Him or to be light.

Satan tells me to compare myself to others. And it becomes even harder to see the truth that is muddied by his lies and the lies of comparison.

What is my worth as Christ's child? Where does my identity in being a child of God come from?

Am I worth my appearance, my performance, my intellect? Should my Christian walk defined by the things I do for Jesus and my ability to be more loving?

I think personal self worth is one of the areas Satan loves to attack us because He knows how much it can affect us- making us either guilty and isolated or prideful and judgmental.

1. I am worth it all. It's all about me. I'm precious in God's sight.
    I am a great Christian. I am an awesome minister of God's love.
    Jesus must love me a lot, maybe even more than them.
    I've worked for this. I'm successful because of my history and hard work. I've worked to get this         close to Christ.

Or in opposition we deny our worth choosing not to respect ourselves or to accept the love of Christ and find meaning.

2. I have no worth. I need others to fulfill me. 
    I am just a puppet going through life; or I have no      purpose in life.
    I lack the confidence to do that. I can't be bold for Jesus because woe is me.
    I am unloved. I am a martyr for Christ because I don't have any friends.
    Jesus loves me but probably less than him/her. My sins weigh me down and I am not worthy.

I don't know about you but I've definitely danced between the two extremes.

In many ways the world and the church applauds confidence. They like fake it till you make it; they want perfection- the great Christian image.

And yet in many other ways, Biblically it seems that those who see themselves as less often have an easier time finding God. For He teaches us "blessed are the humble; blessed are the meek; those who are burdened; or empty spirited."

Often I see a paradox in the Bible with the people who know their worth realizing that they are in the wrong about what they believe about themselves and have no place in the Kingdom of God. And yet people who call themselves unworthy find their worth in Christ.

Biblically I believe that we find our worth in knowing Christ- a redeemer who chose to invest in us- although we were broken, to fight to re-establish value in a flawed creation.

1 Peter 1:18-19 says "You were not redeemed with perishable things, like silver of gold from your futile way of life inherited from your forefathers, but with precious blood as of a lamb unblemished and spotless, the blood of Christ." That's what Christ paid for us even though we are sinners. Christ said You are worth it. You were worth dying for. You were worth coming down to this earth.

But although Christ risked so much for our worth- because He loved us- His goal was not just to die saying "I love you" but to save us from the slavery of selfishness. Satan the great deceiver and the father of all lies and counterfeits loves this worth game, he loves to twist around the worth Christ bestows on us. If you are worth it, then put yourself first- thus eradicating the principle of selfless love- which is the principle of the kingdom of God.

Satan lies to us saying "Your worth so much- promote yourself- do what it takes to make yourself look good. " And when you fall for it, He will say "Now you're a sinner, now you're broken, you are in bondage and you are not worth God's saving grace again and again."

These are the lies that Satan speaks to us to make us feel unworthy. Because if we feel unworthy, we won't come to the banquet table to feast with Christ.

And yet Christ calls us and beckons us by name. He reminds us that through him, we can find love and value. That we can find the courage to be changed from the inside out. He promises that his grace is sufficient for all our weaknesses and that he actually wants to use our shortcomings (1 Corinthians 12:9).

When we meet Jesus, we may fall on our faces, saying Holy, Holy, Holy.
And we may feel so unworthy of His love because we haven't done anything to deserve it.
But Christ will remind us, that we are His friends, that we are His daughters and sons, and that this wedding feast is for us to celebrate with Him.

I know for me, I seek to understand that knowing Christ and following Him isn't about externals. It can never be measured by what other people think, what I say or do, but it is about my heart knowing Jesus. It is about the daily surrender of my life to His principles of love. And I don't know about you, but I want to have the worth of being Christ's child. I don't want to be prideful and think I'm better than anyone, but I want to have the value of knowing I am part of an eternal family which gives me the courage to love others and bestow upon them worth as well.

To Write Love On Their Arms

Just yesterday I was talking to one of my friends who told me she was majorly struggling and yet she felt like no one was helping her. She said she talked to her church and even her best friends. And that they told her to pray more and that things would get better soon.

And she told me that it felt like no one saw her needs. Like she was drowning and crying out for help, but all she got was empty words from people she thought she could trust.

It's hard to be that lifeline when someone is down. I think it's almost impossible to even see each others' true needs and care if we are not personally connected to Christ and focused. There's just too many distractions, too many personal struggles, it's often not that we don't want to help others. But we don't know how, or we are not ready when the time comes..

So often we resort to some sappy Christian words because it's easier than investing in other people.

Pray about it. Take it to Jesus.

It will be ok. This too will pass.

Or even I'll pray for you.

While there's nothing wrong with these words, I think so often our friends feel alone. They need assurance that I care enough to pray with them. That I love them enough to stop what I'm doing and help them. That I will just listen to them and love them through the pain.

And that's so hard. But we have too if we are going to reach people, if we truly want to be like Jesus we have to invest.

Just this week I met a girl who tried to commit suicide. She was young and had so much potential, but I could tell she didn't understand her identity or worth. And in my head, I wanted to have a great conversation with her. Not asking her Why so much, but trying to show her that she is loved. I wanted to somehow connect and show her that she is so beautiful and worth so much to Christ.

But the opportunity just never happened. The day was busy and went by quickly. And I don't know if I will see this girl again. It really saddens me.

It makes me think about the way we have to live if we want to be aware of others' needs and truly loving them. We have to be focused on God or it's so easy to miss seeing others' needs and be a blessing.

1 John 3:18 says Dear children, let us not love with words or deeds but with actions and in truth.

I constantly am discovering how poor I am at loving others. I say the wrong things; I offend people. I focus on myself instead of putting others' needs first and God convicts my heart. So often we have false ideas of what it means to love, but every time we encounter Christ- I think He teaches us how to love better. The Christ who died from our sins who has wounds on his hands and feet, writes love on our hearts and our foreheads. And when we are filled from the inside out with his love, we finally have love that we too can write on our brothers' and sisters.

May we encounter the love Jesus has for us- may he fill our hearts with a new kind of love- and may it overflow to the people around us. That we would be pure lights even when darkness surrounds us. That we would have courage to love better and deeper with our hearts.

depths of nursing life

I hear the lyrics in the background "Into the deep I will go with you; immerse me, immerse me." And I sob, I'm crying at 2 am in the morning because I can't sleep.

I'm tired. Everything is out of focus.
I can't be a good pediatric nurse.
I can't meet the children's needs in the ways that I hoped I could.
And night shift is taking my nutrition, exercise schedule, personal life, everything to the ground.
I question God "Is this what it means to get deep? Is this where you want me -- broken?"

The kind lady whispers to me, "You are the girl who brings mylar balloons and stuffed animals to children, who dances around trying to make them laugh. Don't lose 'her' ".

And I ask her, how? How do I hold onto my dreams when all I see is darkness? How do I wait and wait and wait for so long- without giving impatient or losing hope? Is the vision I have worthwhile? Or am I just an idealistic girl with too high dreams and expectations?

Last Valentines day night I was so emotionally and physically exhausted. I didn't want to go back to work, but after putting on my scrubs, I got the greatest idea. What if I could go and buy mylar heart shaped balloons and bring valentines for the kids on the hospital floor? I was so excited for a minute about the idea of doing something fun to make the kids smile.

It resonated with the deep desire of my heart to care for kids, to be a mom for kids who don't have one who is emotionally present, to have a family. Not just pills to children and taking vital signs- but getting to know them, building rapport, and meeting their emotional needs, investing in them. It reminded me of the glorious years I spent volunteering at the children's hospital, doing the same- bringing balloons, and dressing up, and making the kids smile.

And then my dear housemate reminded me that the hospital policy probably wouldn't allow gifts.
Just like they don't allow me to volunteer their anymore because I work there.
The same way they remind us not too "get too attached to kids or their families."

Your supposed to care but your not supposed to care too much- or something like that. You have to be able to do the job quickly and efficiently. You're more likely to burn out if you become too emotionally involved.

That's the role of a nurse. I'm now beginning to understand why nurses can often be mean and compassion-less creatures when they are in the profession that requires kindness. They're overworked, under-thanked, and frankly they don't have the energy to care or are shut down too often for trying.

I never wanted to be a nurse. I definitely never wanted to work in a hospital, giving meds and having to stick kids sometimes. But now that I am, I realize that I have to be a careful. It's far too easy to stop caring; it's far too easy to be a robot going through the motions and forget God's calling for me.

I love the children's hospital that I'm working at; I appreciate the staff and the things I'm learning. But the truth is, I can't provide the care I want to provide. I can't meet the kids on an emotional and spiritual level. There are rules; time constraints; expectations. I'm a new nurse, which means each skill takes me more time and effort than everyone else.

And that's hard. It's disappointing when you have an idea but can't seem to make it work. When you see what could be happening and know you are not working to your highest potential, yet know that you must be patient. It's my dream to work at an orphanage- to take care of kids who have needs emotionally, spiritually, or physically. Or to take care of sick kids and nurture them back to health. I thought that I would be able to be that "super nurse" at my new pediatric job. But the truth is, I can't.

I have to have patience. I have to develop my nursing skills. I have to wait more, and more, and more. Waiting of God to teach me how to be a better nurse; waiting on God to learn pediatric nursing skills; waiting on God to call me to serve abroad; waiting on God for a family or kids to love in a deeper way.

There's a quote that says "It's always a mistake to determine what you want to do before you establish who you want to be."

I think I know what I want to do- I want to be an orphan mom; I want to take care of sick kids. I want to have a family; I want to be "super nurse". But I can't do anything about those things...

What I can do, is change and develop who I am.

I can become closer to Christ.
I can become a woman who is better at loving other people and children.
I can practice patience.
I can learn what it means to sacrifice for Jesus.

I don't have to wait to invest deeper in my relationship in Jesus. I don't have to wait to surrender my life; to learn to give of myself before others. To learn what it means to trust, to forgive, to accept love. I don't have to wait to go in the depths of adventures with Jesus til I'm overseas.

Maybe pediatric hospital nursing isn't my dream job-  maybe it's disapointing- but I know that I can learn so much from where I'm at right now. And I can work on my relationship with Christ right now. That when I'm broken- He can be the healer. Where I'm weak He can be stronger. When I'm tired, He can be powerful.

Embrace the Mess

I recently had a really long and hard night at work. One of the things I was most frustrated about was taking care of this teenage boy with poor hygiene. It was all I could do when I entered the room not to gag from the smell, and he had drains that drained blood from multiple sites of his body. His room was full of dirty clothes and half drank chocolate milk cartons. I'm ashamed to say that I immediately judged this guy subconsciously and tried to do my care as quickly as possible to get out of the room. He was such a mess.

If you are a nurse, it is likely that you find yourself in the midst of other people's messes all the time. And even if you are not a nurse, I'm sure that you meet messy people who frustrate you and annoy you- whose personal lives are messy, families are messy, or who live in never-ending drama.

I guess one of my questions is What do we do with the messes in our lives and the messes we encounter in the world around us?

Should we try to hide our messes so that they don't inconvenience others? Does piling all the messy clothes in the closet help make a cleaner room in the long run? How do we cope with the situations in our life that are complicated, dirty, or embarrassing?

If we look to God for wisdom and example, we will find that God- although not a God of disorder but of order- is not afraid of the messes we humans make of our lives. In Psalm 130 the Word says "You have searched me, Oh Lord, and you know me." God is not afraid to look directly at the mess in our lives- He sees it; so we have no reason to hide and pretend it's not there.

In the New Testament we see Jesus comfortable addressing the messes in others' lives. Instead of simply pointing them out though and condemning, Jesus cares. Jesus asks if he can help clean up the mess. In seemingly small catastrophes like a wedding running out of whine to people becoming demon possessed, Jesus lends a hand. And I believe as God followers we are asked to do the same.

Psalm 130:7 says "Where can I go from your Spirit or flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there, if I make my bed in the depths you are there... Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you."We need not be afraid  of our messes or the messes of others, because we must remember that no place or person is too dark for God's light to shine there.

God doesn't only see our messes but He sees the potential in them to share His glory. In a way He loves it when we make messes and let Him help us, clean them up, because He desires to work with us- to teach us side by side how to walk in holiness.

We should worry when we feel "too cleaned up" and start judging others. We are deceived when we do not see the messes we make. God often has to remind us that our righteousness is like filthy rags. His standard of excellence is perfection and in contrast to His character of love- people will be messy and we are messy.

Embracing the messes in our personal lives opens an opportunity for growth and healing, spiritual and mental cleaning. Yet admitting that we are messes also opens up the opportunity to accept the messes others make around us more gracefully. If we refuse to acknowledge the mess, it will continue to grow bigger. We will become more critical of others and trust God less. Yet when we can look at our messes honestly, we can more clearly see God's love and grace for us through His desire to stand by us in the mess and help us clean up.

And when God comes to us in our personal mess. In the time when we are ashamed, when we smell bad, we are covered in vomit, others are disgusted of us and annoyed, yet God is there. It is that time when God comes over and embraces us with love, that He tells us "I'm going to be with you, in the mess. And I'm going to help you get through the mess." It's that time that we meet the depths of Jesus' love for us. It's that time when we see another dimension of our Savior.

And when God truly saves us from our biggest mess, we have a longing and an urge to love others the save way we have been loved. And we have the strength to take care of the people whose lives are messy, whose wounds are deep, and maybe even whose hospital rooms smell terribly.

While I'm Waiting

If you've ever watched "Facing the Giants", you may remember the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. At this point in the movie, the husband (coach) is waiting to know if his team will win or lose the big game and if he will keep his job and his wife is waiting and waiting to see if they can get pregnant together. She is going to different doctors' to try and find out what is wrong. The chorus goes..

"While I'm waiting

I will serve you.

While I'm waiting

I will worship

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait."

I don't know if you've recently read the story of Joseph, but I see a man who does ALOT of waiting. He believes that He is blessed by God from His youth and that He has a special calling even to a position of rule for him.. and yet for so long it doesn't seem God is working on his side.

As a teenager, he experiences so much jealousy and hatred from his brothers that he is sold into slavery. He works hard as a slave and eventually earns the respect of his household, only to be lied about and deceived, thrown into prison for a crime he never did. And according to Biblical research it is estimated that He spent about 13 years in prison and slavery making him age 30 when he was finally made overseer to the king of Egypt.

I can only imagine Joseph crying out to God: "What about your promise Lord? Is this the plan you have for me? How much longer am I going to have to wait?"

But Joseph demonstrated the art of waiting well. While He was waiting, He served. He served in any and every dimension of his life, he didn't serve to be seen by others. But He served because He wanted to be faithful in the small things. While he was waiting, He worshiped. He read the scriptures and spent time in prayer. So that when he was called upon in prison, when his opportunity arose, wisdom was found in Him because He knew Jesus. 

And while He was waiting, He ran the race. He had endurance, moral strength, positive attitude, the will to continue. Joseph waited of God to be of influence, He waited to be restored to his father again and his brothers, He waited on God for a wife, for riches, and for direction.

I think it's really difficult in life to wait- and yet it's extremely important to learn how to wait well and to practice faithfulness in Christ. It's easy to get angry, to give up, to withdraw, or even to make up your things and interventions acting impulsive. I know I have to question myself and ask if in the areas of life where I'm waiting, am I serving, worshipping, and running towards God. 

Oceans

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, that my faith would be made stronger" Oceans- Hillsong

Let me ask you a question,  How matured is your faith and where are you currently swimming? Are you swimming in the deep or shallow end?

Is your faith mature and tested and does it go where the waves are, with the sharks, and the shipwrecks, and the broken remains." Or is it an "on the sand" kinda faith, a fair weathered faith for sunny days?

It's so easy to catch myself walking on the sand like a tourist, admiring the ocean, but not diving in. Maybe because it's cold and I'm comfortable, maybe because it's deep and I'm afraid of drowning; or maybe because of sea life. I can quickly fall into the routine and island entertainment and make excuses for why I don't need to swim in the deep Ocean.

For so long it seems ok to watch, to wade, to spectate. Even while going to church, meetings, life group, Bible study, "friendship evangelism". It's good; it's really nice to walk along the beach.

But then at some point I believe we are asked to swim. I think God calls us out of the shallow end and into the deep. And I'm sure for each one of us, this swimming adventure looks a little bit different. It's a surrendering thing, it's a dangerous thing, it's a freezing thing at times. And yet it's also the most glorious thing.

I don't know about you, but I want to swim deep with Christ. I want to know of the Oceans and the depths and the waves. I want my fear to be so much bigger than the sharks or pirrhannas, than the shipwrecks, and sea snakes. I want to know what it is to fellowship with Christ in both joys and sufferings. So my prayer is scary, it's "Take me deeper Lord Jesus; take me deeper. Show me more of what it means to know you; to be like you. Take me into the depths of your love and mercy. Teach me to trust. Break down what idols are not of you and take every part of me. I want to follow you wherever you call me and I want to swim in the deep."

A sarcastic look at modesty and church

"Let our beauty not come from anything but Jesus" prays the girl next to me.

And I'm like wow what a lovely thought, but what does that even mean?
Not to mention there are so many mixed messages thrown at woman from both the church and society. Depending on the church you attend, your clothes will be judged in varying ways.

Personally, I like to think Jesus cares less about the length of our skirts and the foundation girls may or may not use. Yet sometimes it's amazing the input and pressure you receive to look and act a certain way. And I'm highlighting these words because how a woman dresses and acts does not define who she is... but it often determines her reputation.

So let me go through some of the things I've heard."You are beautiful the way you are." "Make sure that you look nice, so you will rightly represent the beauty of Christ." "If the barn (face) needs paint you best paint it." "Clothes matter to God." And my favorite "For Pete's sake take off those jeans, people will definitely judge you if you wear those."

Do clothes and makeup matter to God? Probably, but probably SO much less to God then to us. I doubt God concerns himself with yoga pants and dress length as much as many pastors seem too. Somehow I think his focus is a little more internal.

I still remember the day, I was given a lecture and asked to change from my tank top into a shirt that covered my sleeves at summer camp. They said that because I was spiritual director I needed to think more about these things and work harder not to offend anyone. Since my tank top was very modest, I was surprised that shoulders were that exciting to men- but hey I took their advice and earned a farmers tan. Now it's probably been five years since I've worn a tank top or sleeveless covering at a conservative church-- wow that lecturer really changed my life huh? He should get a trophy for teaching me a lesson... "To look nicer and extra modest when I'm in the sanctuary or in the appearance of pastors"

We can all play dress up and come looking out like pilgrims. (And maybe there's a time for that- maybe church should be a pilgrim's progress parade ;) It takes a little more effort to create gracious and loving hearts though. And where I think the church has often gone wrong, is criticizing women's dress and appearance instead of showing them the grace and love of Christ. I think the church is wrong when they point to the outside instead of starting with the inside.

It's easy to create monkeys that can repeat, and mirror images and actions; yet without understanding the why behind modesty or even who God is-- women will quickly become legalistic and photoshopped, drained and bored church participants. They will leave their jewelry at home; their watches; and maybe even their wedding ring... but they will become separated from the church. Learning to lead double lives, to act one way on Sabbath and the other the other days. They will feel unaccepted and judged and will be quick to run from any source of criticism.

I've talked to so many friends that are afraid to be themselves and dress like themselves in their church. They have to wear extra sweaters over the dress they normally wear out, they don't feel comfortable wearing jeans , and they definitely can't show their nose ring or tattoos. And the impact of having to hide, of feeling judged all the time, is huge. It really depletes trust and acceptance; true community; and even bares relationships- all because of external appearances.

So here's where I am: stop hiding. If your a woman who feels like you have to change yourself and how you dress and who you are- to feel a part of a church- then either you or your church are in the wrong. No maybe don't wear your biggest bling-bling necklace or black stud ring, but you don't have to look and act like a million lies to be loved. And if in your church you do, then they don't know Jesus very well. See, Jesus was familiar with bars. He was familiar with outcasts, and weird people, and prostitutes, and jewelry makers, and tax collectors. And Jesus hated pretending. He said, I see you. I see beyond the appearance, beyond the expectations put on by society as well as the Pharisees, I see beyond the makeup you did or didn't wear; the dress that doesn't come down to your knee or is dragging on the ground... I see you, and I love you.

And I want to teach you what it means to be beautiful. I want to teach you what it means to know Jesus from the inside out. Not rules about eating, drinking, and wearing, but experiences that change your life and your whole internal paradime. He says "I want to change everything about you; and I'm going to make you holy. I'm going to make you set apart; but I'm going to do it in my own time."

Circumcision

Circumcision- it wasn't a choice if you wanted to be a God follower.

But it was an honor.

From Francine Rivers- in the story of Joshua when he was about to defeat Jericho. Caleb gathered the men from Judah  and said "We have entered Canaan on the day of preparations for the Passover, and Joshua has received these instructions from the Lord: the entire male population of Israel must be circumcised. All those present knew that their fathers who had been circumcised upon leaving Egypt, had lived in God's wrath because they continued to think and act as slaves rather than as free men chosen to be a holy nation. Thus the following generation had not been allowed to circumcise their sons. But now the promise was about to be fulfilled. The hand of God would bring the seed of Israel safely into the land of Canaan. But before that could happen, God wanted his people to become a circumcised nation once again."

This wasn't the first time God had asked the Israelites to circumcise themselves as a way of purification and distinguishing themselves from others who served foreign Gods. God asked Abraham to circumcise himself, his household, and his slaves as an everlasting covenant with Him in Genesis 17.

Circumcision was a private event performed between a priest and male and yet it was a sign of dedication, a most intimate agreement, that pierced to the heart of every male. Circumcision was painful and the Bible shows many examples of men laying in their tents overcame after being circumsized and even one story when Hamor and Shechem were defeated during this time of weakness (Genesis 34). Yet circumcision was powerful reminder of God's promise to His people. It was often after people were circumsized that God could work through them. For example after circumcision, God provided offspring through Sarah's old womb and after circumcision, the battle of Jericho was won.

Although circumcision is not commonly accepted as strict religious practices today; circumcision was mentioned about 100 times in the Bible. So what does being circumcized have to do with our walk with God today?

What are some ideas on the significance of this verse? 

Deuteronomy 30:6 The Lord your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live.

Or Deuteronomy 10:16 calling us again to circumcise our hearts and get rid of our stubbornness as the Israelites learned to do.

Circumcision took sacrifice; it took denying fear; doing something uncomfortable. It was obedience in a way that probably didn't make sense to the people. It was a deep and personal symbol that recognized a covenant between God and His chosen people. 

God offered a promise; He wanted to bless. But before He did, He asked for obedience. He asked for faith. He asked for a relationship- a covenant.

And I sincerely believe that before God can truly use our lives, and extraordinarily bless us, He is asking us for the same thing. No, not a physical circumcision. But a metaphoric one, a sign of our obedience, faith on our part, and sometimes even sacrifice.

What have you given up for Jesus? How have you obeyed lately? Even in the hard things, even in the awkward or uncomfortable ways, even when having faith in God hurt... to the point of knocking you to the ground, literally killing your pride and maybe whole life of the past?

After performing the rite of circumcision, Caleb offered the men a blessing "Just as you have entered into the covenant, so may you enter into the marriage and good deeds". After circumcision, the Israelites were separated from the idolaters of Israel. They knew where their freedom came from; they knew their role in the Kingdom; they knew they were followers of Christ.

So today, maybe we can ask God to search our hearts and minds. He may reveal to us an area in our life that we need to re-surrender; a place where we need forgiveness; something He is pleading for us to sacrifice. If it's not obvious that we are separated, that we are righteous people, that we are the Lord's then we have to question whether we are being part of the sanctification. May the Lord circumcise our hearts. May He be the focus of our minds; may we enter into a loving covenant with Him. May we no longer be slaves to evil; but may we have the courage to live like we are part of a heavenly Kingdom. May the Lord bless our obedience and may we serve Him forever.