Church is hard

I don't know when I stopped feeling accepted and loved by our churches.
But the truth is I've left many Adventist churches this past month crying because I didn't feel a part. I didn't feel loved and I definitely didn't feel seen, sought after, or accepted.

I don't know when I stopped believing that I was so loved by the church,that I was a part- that I could come as "I am". I don't know when I felt the need to perform to be accepted. Like I have to recite ten Bible verses for you (which I will do) and the Adventist docrines and proclaim to love EGW in order for me to become a part of your church.

When I was little I went to a conservative church. But since then my family moved to Tulsa and we attended a bigger, more liberal church. And I love that church. It was easy being apart of the church. I mean my family went- and did most of the talking- I felt like people wanted to know me. It was easy to get involved, to help with sabbath school and children's church, or even lead in VBS programming. I felt like I was using my gifts to serve Jesus and I loved being a part.

But then I went to college and since then I've been churchless for six years too long of my life. I don't know Adventist families in the area. I'm not involved in ministry in any local churches. Despite the fact that I LOVE kids, I don't know any local church kids. I'm not involved. I'm not in the church. I come and I go. I try to be a part- but somehow I feel turned away, or let down, or not wanted enough.

Since going to a liberal church, it makes going to a conservative church 10x more difficult. In a liberal church you don't worry about what you wear and what you say. But in a conservative church I am constantly looking in the mirror and wondering Do I even look Adventist? Did I wear too much makeup or is my dress too short?

And it's sad that I feel that way because the fact is I am a "church girl". I was raised in the church, I was spiritual director at camp, I was missionary in foreign countries, led my own short term trip. I have the credentials right to be a part of your church? But why do I feel like I have to defend myself? Why do I feel so far away from your church? I can only imagine what someone not familiar with the Adventist church might feel like...

It's not all the churches fault. I'm willing to take the blame for half the problem. But hey with all the preaching these pastors do on why young people leave the church... they should at least hear my side of the story. That church is cold sometimes and it's hard to get your way in.