I don't like it

"I don't like it" I told my mom for the millionth time after completing my 12 hour shift for the night.
"I hate it." "I actually hate it." I told her.
 And she assured me, your just tired. You need to sleep. You like the kids. You like your co workers. You like helping people.. It will get better.

(great mom ;)

I am so blessed to have a stable job. I take care of kids that I love. I help kids feel better. I get to comfort families in stressful situations. I help them get through some of the hardest part of their life. I have the opportunity to be an example of Jesus' love to each and every sick person-----

BUT that doesn't change the fact that I DON'T LIKE IT. I don't like being at work. I don't like working night shifts. And I think THAT'S OK... It's really hard sometimes. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. But for right now I'm learning it's gonna be ok.

I never thought that I would be able to handle being a night nurse. And I say that for so many reasons. I never thought I would make it as a nurse- past the iv's, and pain, and suffering, and disgusting hospital rooms. And I never in my wildest dreams imagined working nights when the rest of the world is sleeping- having to stay up late, and readjust my sleeping schedule- and be sleep deprived and use caffeine. I am an extremely sleep sensitive individual.

I find it challenging because night shifts make me an emotional mess- I feel like a high school girl on hormones with extreme up and downs-

Sometimes I question my faith more. I struggle with being impulsive. I feel emotions that just seem one hundred times amplified.

But the thing I've found so far- I've made it through almost 6 months of nursing- and four months of night shift on my own-- is that God's light shines so much brighter in the dark. That with God I (and you) can do anything and that we don't have to be afraid of the dark.

We don't have to be afraid of night shift, or uncomfortable jobs, or even jobs we don't like.

Because when we surrender to Him, He will bless, in each and every condition.

And sometimes my prayers, at night, just become a little more desperate. "Lord help me to not fall asleep on my shift. Help me to be able to sleep right now. Help me to not kill my child because I can't focus. Help me to find joy in this when I am so angry right now. God give me patience.."

But normally at some point in the night God gives me an opportunity to read a devotional, or study the Bible, or even go to the bathroom-- and it always just makes me want to praise God. He always gives me hope- enough hope to continue through the night.

And then when I survive like 3 night nursing shifts in a row- I can just sing or dance with joy- hallelujah I don't have to do that for another 4 days!

... So I don't know if your like me, and have the natural tendency to run away from things we don't like, or that feel uncomfortable.

But if you do, remember that even those things you don't like- God can still bless. That even when you don't like it, God can still use you. God can still teach you. God can sometimes change our hearts more when we put ourselves in tough positions that make us trust Him.

And maybe someday we'll grow to like it, maybe. But maybe we won't ever.. and that's ok.. because life's not just about what we like. It's about God, His love, His grace, and His work in us and others =)

My Wondering heart

And you will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

How much do I want to find God- and to draw close to my Savior?

Do I want him more than adrenaline, more than any boyfriend, more than an amazing job, more than jet skiing across the island, or traveling the world?

What does it mean to search for God with all your heart?

In the parable of Matthew 13:44 a man found treasure in a field he didn't own. So he sold all that he had so that he could buy the field containing the treasure. Pretty smart right.

But I have to wonder, what if he found that treasure, but what if he liked his life- his toys- the things he had. And what if instead of buying the field he decided to just go over to the field to visit and like peak at it sometimes. Not to buy it, but to look at it, to keep it a secret, to hope it would stay waiting for him another day. What if he didn't buy that field?

What if like the rich young ruler, in Matthew 19:16-30, we didn't think Jesus- and knowing God the ultimate treasure- enough to be worth giving everything .What if we turned away because we wanted something else.

Friends, there are so many idols. There are so many temptations calling for our attention, and our envy, and our hearts. The Devil is prowling like a roaring lion, seeking to devour us, seeking to destroy us by turning our hearts to selfishness.

Father, how often I betray you. And I create idols in the form of  dreams or things I view as important. Forgetting that you are the only thing that is worth living for. Help me to know that you alone are the only treasure worth pursuing. Teach me what it means to love you with my whole heart. To search for your approval, and your love, and my worth from you and you alone. That's what I want Lord Jesus- to be yours.

Teach me what it means to seek you, to run after you. To chase after you like the treasure that you are; the Savior that you are. Give me the will to want more and more of you- and less and less of anything this world has to offer.

Strength from brokenness

I think as humans we're often ashamed of our brokenness. We may feel that we can never be made whole again. And yet quite often, the opposite proves true- that through our brokenness and our pain or trials, we gain strength and newness of life.

If you ask a doctor if your broken arm (simple and clean break) will ever heal up again, they will often tell you that if well trained that arm actually has the potential to become stronger than the other one. Likewise, if we think about an athlete in training, he or she is constantly breaking down their body in order to grow stronger. The physiology simplified goes something like this:

Anaerobic exercise like weight lifting or splinting causes damage to muscle fibers (myofibrils). After being damaged (inflamed, broken, worn down) the body begins to repair damage by bringing white blood cells to the scene, cytokines, and satellite cells. After 48 hours of rest- muscle growth or hypertrophy can occur because of an increase in the volume of myofibrils.

So even physiologically, brokenness and tiredness can actually induce gains. But even more so mentally, I believe brokenness, losses, or challenges give us the opportunity to overcome or heal which can in return make us more compassionate, strong, and "durable" than before. More important than mental strength though, honestly, is the opportunity to know God better.

When we look at the ultimate example of life in Jesus Christ- we also see the ultimate example of suffering. It is to be expected that we Christians will all have struggles and brokenness too. That we would want to carry some burdens to the cross with Jesus. That we would embrace our challenges and pain as an opportunity to experience what Jesus felt and to get closer to his soft, kind spirit. Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

And yet so often as a a spoiled "American girl" with a job and too many clothes, I complain about things in life that are hard. I complain about the challenges and pain instead of counting it as joy. I forget that the things that are difficult are also the opportunities to draw near to the heart of Christ. And so often I make my life here on this earth about me, instead of remembering I was created to serve.

Brokenness and pain has so much value when we choose to let it give us new perspective, relate to others better, and teach us life lessons. In difficulty, we learn who our true friends are. In pain, we appreciate the art of healing. When we are struggling, it is a chance for us like- little babies who need so much help- to cry out to God "Save me". It gives us motivation to draw nearer to the Healer, to the Father, to the Lover.

It is so hard to be broken! So hard to be lonely, so hard to be hurting!

But friends, you are not the only one suffering or being challenged in an area of your life. Look around, everyone is fighting a battle. Married or unmarried or divorced, sick or healthy, rich or poor- we are all broken sinful creatures and because of our poor choices we daily experience painful consequences of sin.

And we can own up to the fact that life is hard and that it's going to hurt sometimes-- but we can get through it and even use it as gains to know Jesus better.

Or we can cry about it, we can beg other people to help us. We can be selfish and choose to focus on ourselves instead of others. And when we focus on ourselves, our problem is amplified.

This is so hard. It's so hard to accept that maybe God's plan is not the plan you had in mind. Maybe God has something different on His heart for you then what you hoped. But friends, go back to Him. Even though you have rejected him, run back to him. For He constantly reminds us "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak then He is strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

Everybody needs help

As I was driving to get my matcha green tea latte on my way to work, I was slowed down by what seemed the longest ever traffic light. I was in the intersection where homeless men typically ask for money. And as I looked over I saw a young man asking for money with a young girl sitting in the grass at his side.

I quickly looked away. I typically don't give money to homeless people. But my heart began to hurt for them. I began to wonder if they were together, if they were married. Wondered how they got there- to the point of their life where they were homeless. I looked away again and then at the long traffic light and began to wonder if I had any dollars in my purse.

Looking back over at the homeless man I saw a sign that changed my perspective. It said

Everybody needs a little help once in a while.

And as I reread the sign, I knew I had to do something. I didn't have food. I didn't have homeless grab bags. But I did have cash. And I knew that I had enough money to spare. So I rolled down my window and gave.

Friends, it's too easy to judge. And so often, I do.
I judge them. I question the people that aren't like me- that don't think the way I do.
I ask them Why they don't have a job?
I ask them How they could fall captive to addiction?
I ask them Where is their support system, their friends, and their families- why aren't they helping?

But the truth is, we all need grace.
We all are homeless without Christ.
We are all undeserving of eternal life. We are undeserving of even material blessings. But God is the faithful provider of every good gift.

And we can judge these people, but the sign still holds true

Everybody needs a little help once in a while

Friends, life throws us curve balls and life isn't fair. Sometimes tragedy happens. This world is sinful. An expensive disease can break a family; divorce tells people apart. Many kids were not raised in homes with positive influences. They weren't taught how to find a job, how to guard their money. Friends we will never understand, why people are in the situations they are and how they got their, but we can demonstrate compassion and love.

So often, I find myself in messes I could never imagine being in.

I never imagined being a slacker student- never would have ever missed a deadline on a test. But now that I'm older, working two jobs, running around, I missed my test deadline. I had to beg my teacher for mercy. 

I never imagined being heart broken. Never imagined experiencing the emotions of deep depression. Never imagined some of my closest friends moving away. Never imagined one of my parents developing a disease. 

But we all need help. We all need grace. At different points in our life, we need help. We need each other. And as Christ's hands and feet we are called to be those lifeguards -- to be those safety nets-- that help people before they crash and burn.

So my prayer is this-- Is Lord open my eyes to look for the broken. Take away our sterotypes and misconceptions and pride. Teach us how to love everyone, including people who aren't like us, so we can be your hands and feet in a broken world.

I Will

I remember one of my first years in nursing school- absolutely struggling. I hated the hospital, hated learning anatomy, I was struggling with a relationship at the time. It was a really hard time in my life and I found this really great song "I will" by Citizen Way.

Just look at the pictures- they are beautiful!

But even more beautiful, is the promise Jesus gives us. That He will hold us when we are breaking like a Father. He will never leave us. And that we can use the struggles in our life as opportunities to grow closer to Jesus.

For me, nursing is a constant opportunity to rely on Christ. It's difficult- impossible for me to do on my own sometimes- but through Christ, I can even like it.

There are times on night shift when I have no energy. I have no purpose, I can barely move. I'm dazed, I'm emotional, and I feel super hopeless. And it's then that I can cry out to God "Help me make it through the night; help me take care of my patients."

There are times when I'm dealing with a patient who just went through trauma- and they need so much more help then what I can provide. And I desperately call to Christ give me words to say.

The song says.. "When you're at your weakest- I have never been so strong."

God promises that when we trust Him, He will sustain and bless.

Sometimes life seems so daunting or big or scary, and you may feel like you just can't do it anymore. You may feel like you are in too deep, your sin is too big, or you don't have any reason to keep living.

And I just encourage you- to tell God. To ask Him to get you through. To rely on His strength. Because He promises, that He will be faithful for your ever need. And I know for me, it's often the hardest things in life that have strengthened my faith in Jesus.

And when your able to overcome hard things, things that seem impossible for you, at the end you look back..

And your just like Wow God thank you!! That was totally you. Thank you for carrying me through.

Overflow

So I just got back from 6 days at camp- it was amazing by the way! And my heart is so full of joy and I am so much more elated/happy then before! The theme of the Christian summer camp was OVERFLOW and I think it's such an important concept.

As Christians I think so often we are told to serve, serve, serve, give, give, give. But we often forget that we can't give what we don't have. We can't shine a light when we are dark inside. We can't love others if we are not loved by Jesus.

And that's where the overflow concept comes in. We start with spending time with Jesus- we experience His love- we cling to His promises. And as He lives in us it creates this overflow of love, energy, and joy. And it's this overflow that we are called to share.

It's a simple concept but I struggle to live it practically. I almost expect that even though I skip personal devotions once in a while, I can still carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I take too much in stride- without giving it to Jesus- and before I know it, I'm flat on my face.

Personal devotions- our prayer, Bible reading, mediation- and spiritual discipline has to be the core of who we are. If our relationship with Christ is the thing that matters most in this life, then our spiritual disciplines have to become our first priority. It's the only way we will have enough "overflow" to share.

And I personally, confess, this is hard! This is really hard. But just because it's hard, doesn't mean we shouldn't do it.

I need Jesus so much! I need prayer; I need the Word of God; I need nature and meditation. Because without it my heart is so empty. Without it, I am tired, depressed, complaining, anxious-- but when I come to Christ He can refill me. His love energizes me. It gives me passion and purpose again.

And friends I want that. I hope you want that too.
So even if you struggle with it, try again with me. Try again to prioritize your spiritual disciplines- to learn what it means to focus on Jesus- because we need Him!!

My Value

I don't know when in my life I began to long for things that felt just out of reach

For applause, for approval, for acceptance.

For solid relationships. But then deeper- I wanted to be loved by people. I wanted to be funny. I wanted my opinion to be heard

I wanted guys to think I was cool. I wanted guys to like me. I wanted them to care

And I began to care so much what other people thought of me..

It began to affect me- a little more- each day. I slowly became a slave to my feelings...


Until the way that other people saw me, could determine my self-worth and value. I gave away my value to be chosen by men, by humans, by situations instead of my Creator. I needed the validation to know I was worth something.

And friends, my selfishness- the longing to elevate myself- the desire to look out for my own needs instead of trusting God- deceived me.

It led me to compromise on little things.  It distracted and distorted my view of Christ and His calling for me as His daughter.


It's a struggle that's so hard- I know. It's a struggle I fight so often. To see myself in the eyes of God or to elevate myself and look at other people to try and find value and worth. And I know I'm not alone, with that struggle. The fact that so many women cut, and starve themselves, and are depressed, and let themselves be dragged into abusive relationships demonstrate the fact that something is wrong with their self-worth and value.

And it's no surprise when the Devil is constantly working to deceive.. the world tells us to focus on ourselves. To try and perform better to achieve what we "deserve". To wear makeup and look prettier, to work harder and move up to a more successful career. The world tells us that how other people see us matter.

But the Bible teaches us something else. The Word of God tells us not to trust in human flesh. The Word teaches us that what matters most is what God thinks of us. And the Word teaches us that we are valuable. That Jesus Christ loved us enough to come to this earth to die for our sins. That He is knocking on our hearts, that He knows everything about us and yet He continues to pursue us.

My value is not something that can change based on how I feel, or based off of something someone says or doesn't say. My value is rooted in Christ. I am valuable not because of how I act, nor perform, nor how many friends I have. But I am valuable because I am Christ's child.

It doesn't matter how you feel. It doesn't matter what you just faced. I work with women who are just raped, who are homeless, who have committed crimes, and I tell them YOU HAVE VALUE. Not because of you and your choices but it's because of who Christ made you to be. You have intrinsic value and worth because you are Jesus'- because of His love.

So may we stop striving for things we can't accomplish- for things that will never bring fulfillment. May we stop looking to our neighbors and the hottest guy to tell us what we are worth. And may we start believing that because we are Christ's- really and truly we are His children.