Journey

On road trips when I get impatient driving, my brother calmly reminds me "it's not about the destination but the journey." This is hard for me to remember- because I want to be there so badly. I want to get it down and do it right, right now. I want to be a loving person, I want to be like Jesus, and sometimes detours and oceans and mountains make finding the "narrow way" quite the adventure.

Lately I've been wandering on my little journey. I've been changing. I've been growing. And I don't know the destination- it's not crystal clear- but I know who I'm traveling with. Sometimes that's enough.

I was talking to a mentor the other day and she told me "Your going through a transition phase." And while I agree, I have to laugh because I feel like my whole life has been a big transition. There's always been alot of change- much because I like running- I like exploring- and then life also happens..  different states, different countries, different friends, different majors, different hobbies, personalities.. Man praise God I have the same loving family and same heavenly Father! And I'm so thankful that while I am constantly learning new ways to see God, He stays the same every day.

My journey with God started a long time ago- and I have my family to thank for that. For a long time though my relationship with God was what I learned at church, it was my parents', it was the stories I was told, it wasn't the God I knew. I strived and strived, the walk looked right, but Jesus wasn't my best friend. When I get baptized at age 12, I remembered feeling strongly convicted that I had to give up myself to follow God but not knowing how or what to give up. I made lists of ways to do better, and for a while I felt my spiritual achievements were an A plus. For so long I lived a walk with God striving.. but day by day I was reminded of the ways I needed to grow and the weaknesses in my personality and individuality. I wasn't truly experiencing freedom and knowing the joy of walking with Christ.

It wasn't until college, that Peru happened, camp drama went down, boy drama went down. Life went down and up at the same time. I knew God was asking me to switch majors to nursing and I was so mad about that. Yet after feeling broken about so many things in my life, I found peace surrendering everything to God for the first time. And as I did, I let go of the expectations to what a good Christian looks like was and the things I was expected to do, and started living more authentically. And it was messy. My journey got messy. I hurt people around me, I doubted God's plan's for my life, I made alot of mistakes... but I saw Jesus clearer. And He changed me, He never left me, He always provided for me.

The thing is I don't know exactly who I am; I don't know exactly what God's doing. I know He has alot of work to do. But I'm so thankful I'm not who I was 5 years ago spiritually. I'm not the same girl who always had to say the right things and act the same ways, I am finally free to actually live genuinely. I've received alot of criticism from alot of people since this transition took place. My conservative friends point out all the rules I'm not following close enough. And my liberal friends tell me I'm acting fake and legalistic. And sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. I don't know yet where I stand on little details and that's ok.

Rick Warren says that "Transformation is a process. As life happens there will be tons of ups and downs, moments on mountain tops and moments in deep valleys of despair." But the God I know is not only the God of the valleys but of the mountains. He swims through Oceans, fasts in deserts, and will climb the highest peak just to reveal His love to His children. Isaiah 43:2 says " When you pass through the waters I will be with you, and through the rivers they will not overflow you, and through the fires you will not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you."

We each have journeys and they are all different. It is easy to look at someone and judge their journey but it is harder to do your own personal journey the best that you can.