My Wondering heart

And you will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

How much do I want to find God- and to draw close to my Savior?

Do I want him more than adrenaline, more than any boyfriend, more than an amazing job, more than jet skiing across the island, or traveling the world?

What does it mean to search for God with all your heart?

In the parable of Matthew 13:44 a man found treasure in a field he didn't own. So he sold all that he had so that he could buy the field containing the treasure. Pretty smart right.

But I have to wonder, what if he found that treasure, but what if he liked his life- his toys- the things he had. And what if instead of buying the field he decided to just go over to the field to visit and like peak at it sometimes. Not to buy it, but to look at it, to keep it a secret, to hope it would stay waiting for him another day. What if he didn't buy that field?

What if like the rich young ruler, in Matthew 19:16-30, we didn't think Jesus- and knowing God the ultimate treasure- enough to be worth giving everything .What if we turned away because we wanted something else.

Friends, there are so many idols. There are so many temptations calling for our attention, and our envy, and our hearts. The Devil is prowling like a roaring lion, seeking to devour us, seeking to destroy us by turning our hearts to selfishness.

Father, how often I betray you. And I create idols in the form of  dreams or things I view as important. Forgetting that you are the only thing that is worth living for. Help me to know that you alone are the only treasure worth pursuing. Teach me what it means to love you with my whole heart. To search for your approval, and your love, and my worth from you and you alone. That's what I want Lord Jesus- to be yours.

Teach me what it means to seek you, to run after you. To chase after you like the treasure that you are; the Savior that you are. Give me the will to want more and more of you- and less and less of anything this world has to offer.

Strength from brokenness

I think as humans we're often ashamed of our brokenness. We may feel that we can never be made whole again. And yet quite often, the opposite proves true- that through our brokenness and our pain or trials, we gain strength and newness of life.

If you ask a doctor if your broken arm (simple and clean break) will ever heal up again, they will often tell you that if well trained that arm actually has the potential to become stronger than the other one. Likewise, if we think about an athlete in training, he or she is constantly breaking down their body in order to grow stronger. The physiology simplified goes something like this:

Anaerobic exercise like weight lifting or splinting causes damage to muscle fibers (myofibrils). After being damaged (inflamed, broken, worn down) the body begins to repair damage by bringing white blood cells to the scene, cytokines, and satellite cells. After 48 hours of rest- muscle growth or hypertrophy can occur because of an increase in the volume of myofibrils.

So even physiologically, brokenness and tiredness can actually induce gains. But even more so mentally, I believe brokenness, losses, or challenges give us the opportunity to overcome or heal which can in return make us more compassionate, strong, and "durable" than before. More important than mental strength though, honestly, is the opportunity to know God better.

When we look at the ultimate example of life in Jesus Christ- we also see the ultimate example of suffering. It is to be expected that we Christians will all have struggles and brokenness too. That we would want to carry some burdens to the cross with Jesus. That we would embrace our challenges and pain as an opportunity to experience what Jesus felt and to get closer to his soft, kind spirit. Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

And yet so often as a a spoiled "American girl" with a job and too many clothes, I complain about things in life that are hard. I complain about the challenges and pain instead of counting it as joy. I forget that the things that are difficult are also the opportunities to draw near to the heart of Christ. And so often I make my life here on this earth about me, instead of remembering I was created to serve.

Brokenness and pain has so much value when we choose to let it give us new perspective, relate to others better, and teach us life lessons. In difficulty, we learn who our true friends are. In pain, we appreciate the art of healing. When we are struggling, it is a chance for us like- little babies who need so much help- to cry out to God "Save me". It gives us motivation to draw nearer to the Healer, to the Father, to the Lover.

It is so hard to be broken! So hard to be lonely, so hard to be hurting!

But friends, you are not the only one suffering or being challenged in an area of your life. Look around, everyone is fighting a battle. Married or unmarried or divorced, sick or healthy, rich or poor- we are all broken sinful creatures and because of our poor choices we daily experience painful consequences of sin.

And we can own up to the fact that life is hard and that it's going to hurt sometimes-- but we can get through it and even use it as gains to know Jesus better.

Or we can cry about it, we can beg other people to help us. We can be selfish and choose to focus on ourselves instead of others. And when we focus on ourselves, our problem is amplified.

This is so hard. It's so hard to accept that maybe God's plan is not the plan you had in mind. Maybe God has something different on His heart for you then what you hoped. But friends, go back to Him. Even though you have rejected him, run back to him. For He constantly reminds us "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak then He is strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

Everybody needs help

As I was driving to get my matcha green tea latte on my way to work, I was slowed down by what seemed the longest ever traffic light. I was in the intersection where homeless men typically ask for money. And as I looked over I saw a young man asking for money with a young girl sitting in the grass at his side.

I quickly looked away. I typically don't give money to homeless people. But my heart began to hurt for them. I began to wonder if they were together, if they were married. Wondered how they got there- to the point of their life where they were homeless. I looked away again and then at the long traffic light and began to wonder if I had any dollars in my purse.

Looking back over at the homeless man I saw a sign that changed my perspective. It said

Everybody needs a little help once in a while.

And as I reread the sign, I knew I had to do something. I didn't have food. I didn't have homeless grab bags. But I did have cash. And I knew that I had enough money to spare. So I rolled down my window and gave.

Friends, it's too easy to judge. And so often, I do.
I judge them. I question the people that aren't like me- that don't think the way I do.
I ask them Why they don't have a job?
I ask them How they could fall captive to addiction?
I ask them Where is their support system, their friends, and their families- why aren't they helping?

But the truth is, we all need grace.
We all are homeless without Christ.
We are all undeserving of eternal life. We are undeserving of even material blessings. But God is the faithful provider of every good gift.

And we can judge these people, but the sign still holds true

Everybody needs a little help once in a while

Friends, life throws us curve balls and life isn't fair. Sometimes tragedy happens. This world is sinful. An expensive disease can break a family; divorce tells people apart. Many kids were not raised in homes with positive influences. They weren't taught how to find a job, how to guard their money. Friends we will never understand, why people are in the situations they are and how they got their, but we can demonstrate compassion and love.

So often, I find myself in messes I could never imagine being in.

I never imagined being a slacker student- never would have ever missed a deadline on a test. But now that I'm older, working two jobs, running around, I missed my test deadline. I had to beg my teacher for mercy. 

I never imagined being heart broken. Never imagined experiencing the emotions of deep depression. Never imagined some of my closest friends moving away. Never imagined one of my parents developing a disease. 

But we all need help. We all need grace. At different points in our life, we need help. We need each other. And as Christ's hands and feet we are called to be those lifeguards -- to be those safety nets-- that help people before they crash and burn.

So my prayer is this-- Is Lord open my eyes to look for the broken. Take away our sterotypes and misconceptions and pride. Teach us how to love everyone, including people who aren't like us, so we can be your hands and feet in a broken world.

I Will

I remember one of my first years in nursing school- absolutely struggling. I hated the hospital, hated learning anatomy, I was struggling with a relationship at the time. It was a really hard time in my life and I found this really great song "I will" by Citizen Way.

Just look at the pictures- they are beautiful!

But even more beautiful, is the promise Jesus gives us. That He will hold us when we are breaking like a Father. He will never leave us. And that we can use the struggles in our life as opportunities to grow closer to Jesus.

For me, nursing is a constant opportunity to rely on Christ. It's difficult- impossible for me to do on my own sometimes- but through Christ, I can even like it.

There are times on night shift when I have no energy. I have no purpose, I can barely move. I'm dazed, I'm emotional, and I feel super hopeless. And it's then that I can cry out to God "Help me make it through the night; help me take care of my patients."

There are times when I'm dealing with a patient who just went through trauma- and they need so much more help then what I can provide. And I desperately call to Christ give me words to say.

The song says.. "When you're at your weakest- I have never been so strong."

God promises that when we trust Him, He will sustain and bless.

Sometimes life seems so daunting or big or scary, and you may feel like you just can't do it anymore. You may feel like you are in too deep, your sin is too big, or you don't have any reason to keep living.

And I just encourage you- to tell God. To ask Him to get you through. To rely on His strength. Because He promises, that He will be faithful for your ever need. And I know for me, it's often the hardest things in life that have strengthened my faith in Jesus.

And when your able to overcome hard things, things that seem impossible for you, at the end you look back..

And your just like Wow God thank you!! That was totally you. Thank you for carrying me through.

Overflow

So I just got back from 6 days at camp- it was amazing by the way! And my heart is so full of joy and I am so much more elated/happy then before! The theme of the Christian summer camp was OVERFLOW and I think it's such an important concept.

As Christians I think so often we are told to serve, serve, serve, give, give, give. But we often forget that we can't give what we don't have. We can't shine a light when we are dark inside. We can't love others if we are not loved by Jesus.

And that's where the overflow concept comes in. We start with spending time with Jesus- we experience His love- we cling to His promises. And as He lives in us it creates this overflow of love, energy, and joy. And it's this overflow that we are called to share.

It's a simple concept but I struggle to live it practically. I almost expect that even though I skip personal devotions once in a while, I can still carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I take too much in stride- without giving it to Jesus- and before I know it, I'm flat on my face.

Personal devotions- our prayer, Bible reading, mediation- and spiritual discipline has to be the core of who we are. If our relationship with Christ is the thing that matters most in this life, then our spiritual disciplines have to become our first priority. It's the only way we will have enough "overflow" to share.

And I personally, confess, this is hard! This is really hard. But just because it's hard, doesn't mean we shouldn't do it.

I need Jesus so much! I need prayer; I need the Word of God; I need nature and meditation. Because without it my heart is so empty. Without it, I am tired, depressed, complaining, anxious-- but when I come to Christ He can refill me. His love energizes me. It gives me passion and purpose again.

And friends I want that. I hope you want that too.
So even if you struggle with it, try again with me. Try again to prioritize your spiritual disciplines- to learn what it means to focus on Jesus- because we need Him!!

My Value

I don't know when in my life I began to long for things that felt just out of reach

For applause, for approval, for acceptance.

For solid relationships. But then deeper- I wanted to be loved by people. I wanted to be funny. I wanted my opinion to be heard

I wanted guys to think I was cool. I wanted guys to like me. I wanted them to care

And I began to care so much what other people thought of me..

It began to affect me- a little more- each day. I slowly became a slave to my feelings...


Until the way that other people saw me, could determine my self-worth and value. I gave away my value to be chosen by men, by humans, by situations instead of my Creator. I needed the validation to know I was worth something.

And friends, my selfishness- the longing to elevate myself- the desire to look out for my own needs instead of trusting God- deceived me.

It led me to compromise on little things.  It distracted and distorted my view of Christ and His calling for me as His daughter.


It's a struggle that's so hard- I know. It's a struggle I fight so often. To see myself in the eyes of God or to elevate myself and look at other people to try and find value and worth. And I know I'm not alone, with that struggle. The fact that so many women cut, and starve themselves, and are depressed, and let themselves be dragged into abusive relationships demonstrate the fact that something is wrong with their self-worth and value.

And it's no surprise when the Devil is constantly working to deceive.. the world tells us to focus on ourselves. To try and perform better to achieve what we "deserve". To wear makeup and look prettier, to work harder and move up to a more successful career. The world tells us that how other people see us matter.

But the Bible teaches us something else. The Word of God tells us not to trust in human flesh. The Word teaches us that what matters most is what God thinks of us. And the Word teaches us that we are valuable. That Jesus Christ loved us enough to come to this earth to die for our sins. That He is knocking on our hearts, that He knows everything about us and yet He continues to pursue us.

My value is not something that can change based on how I feel, or based off of something someone says or doesn't say. My value is rooted in Christ. I am valuable not because of how I act, nor perform, nor how many friends I have. But I am valuable because I am Christ's child.

It doesn't matter how you feel. It doesn't matter what you just faced. I work with women who are just raped, who are homeless, who have committed crimes, and I tell them YOU HAVE VALUE. Not because of you and your choices but it's because of who Christ made you to be. You have intrinsic value and worth because you are Jesus'- because of His love.

So may we stop striving for things we can't accomplish- for things that will never bring fulfillment. May we stop looking to our neighbors and the hottest guy to tell us what we are worth. And may we start believing that because we are Christ's- really and truly we are His children.

Like oxygen

At the beginning of this video people are walking around with oxygen masks on their faces. They think that they are dependent on the masks and oxygen to live and breathe. But what they fail to realize is that their mask is not connected to the source of oxygen. They are actually making it harder to breathe instead of easier.

They think they need oxygen masks to live- not realizing that the Creator of the Universe put oxygen in nature for us to breathe in naturally.

And so often in life we look to this world to fulfill the desires Christ has put in us. And we think if only we had that one thing, then we would experience freedom. So we put masks on our faces, trying to strive and obtain the thing we believe we need, we make ourselves slaves to a lie.

And the more we try to obtain oxygen from the mask instead of the oxygen Jesus gives. The more we try to obtain fulfillment and purpose and success from the things other people in this earth are using like relationships, work, and money- the more enslaved we are. The less free we are. The further away we feel from being able to say "only Christ in me".

So like this song pleas, may we take of the temporary counterfeits, and substitutes, and idols, and empty masks the world gives us and may we experience the life Jesus promises to those who seek Him.

"So come and empty me. So that it's you I breathe. I want my life to be only Christ in me.
So I will fix my eyes cause you're my source of life. I need the world to see it's only Christ in me."

"Jesus Culture"

"Culture is a word for people's 'way of life', meaning the way groups do things. Different groups of people may have different cultures. A culture is passed on to the next generation by learning, whereas genetics are passed on by heredity."

If you've been walking in the faith for a while, you may have experienced different cultures of Christianity or Adventism specifically. Depending on where you live, how you are raised, which church you attend-- you can note obvious changes in culture. The way people worship together, the songs they sing, the way people dress, vespers experiences, similar vocabulary, trends in health.

And in so many ways culture is great. Culture is warm because as humans we love belonging, and when we become participants in Adventist or Christian culture, it makes us feel like we belong to a church. Culture can provide opportunities of faith networking and rituals that can help deepen our spirituality.

And yet lately I've been thinking that although culture is intrinsically valuable at heart and will be naturally created in the context of religion... it is also extremely dangerous.

The first reason why I believe we have to take caution with our beliefs and cultures of Christianity is that culture is exclusive. Cultures set expectations for the way people are to live and act. Culture groups then form tight fitting communities. And it can be difficult to witness to others when your culture is so strong. I think as humans we love pride, and to think that our culture is best. And while it's great to love your culture, it can also create walls between loving other people who aren't like us (who weren't raised in the same church, religion, or area of the world.) We may be tempted to think "they don't serve the same God as me". Not realizing that the God of the Universe is not confined to the culture we feel most natural or safe in. That He may be God of people groups and cultures and even religions we do not understand.

The second reason why culture can be dangerous is that often times, we take culture and begin to practice it- simply because it is what we are taught or used too. Culture is often passively learned, inherited by second nature- which means depending on where you come from, your culture will be different. (Some likely better than others.) But the problem is when we take our culture, and become active participants, without ever evaluating the why behind it. 

The third and most important danger, I believe about culture groups, is that for many of us, participating in the culture we create can be more important than the God we serve.
For example, as a member of a strict Adventist culture I may believe that by not watching movies, by eating healthy, and singing Christian songs with other believers, I am walking with God. And that because I am part of a culture, my faith is justified instead of seeking God's will and walking in a life of purity with a relationship with Him. We can let cultural values dictate how we live our life instead of going back to the Word of God and trying to seek Christ's standards on each issue. Or we can refuse to leave the culture we are used too, when Christ calls us, because we have overly attached one culture to our religion.

Somehow I believe that the Jesus we read about in the Bible was a cultural rule breaker. And that He might not just participate in one culture of Christianity if he was currently walking on the earth. I could maybe see Jesus tattooed or hanging out in bars, or traveling to different cultures and worshipping with different people groups. I think he would challenge what we believe a good "Christian culture" or "Adventist culture" looks like by teaching us to question our faith, teaching us what it means to be radically in love with Him.

I'm not trying to bash Adventist culture- I think it's great; conservative or liberal it's great if you know Jesus- and if your life is being transformed by Him. I think it's cool how so many Christians worship God in different ways. I'm just curious if Jesus were walking with us, how he would go about with relationships and communities, and culture. Like what would "Jesus culture" be like in comparison to Adventist or Christian culture? He calls us to love everyone, not only people like us. And He also calls us to be salt and light. So how do we do that? How de we create cultures that are inclusive not exclusive, founded on beliefs and religions not only inherited or learned (but upon studied out principles of faith), all the while keeping Christ's perspective of what really matters most (faith working itself out by our love).

The Lust of the heart

This morning I went to a sabbath school focused on the lust of the heart. In particular we were studying Matthew 9:27 which states

"You have heard that it was said "You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you than anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

This verse points to the idea that Christ's standards are so much higher up than earthly standards. That sins do not only exist when the act is performed but that God seeks even that our thoughts would be pure.

Ephesians 4:22 says "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds.."

The heart is powerful and valuable. Proverbs 4:23 commands us to "Above all things, guard your heart, because it is the well spring of life."

And what comes out of our hearts is our thoughts- which form our actions- which form our habits- which form our lives. So our thoughts are extremely important to who we are as individuals, because they determine who we are.

Proverbs 23:7 "As a man thinketh in his heart so is he.."
And 2 Corinthians 10:5 commands us to take every thought captive to Christ
So that our thoughts would be on noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable things. (Philippians 4:8)

Talking about sexual immorality and lust, if we truly get to the heart of the issue, instead of discussing sex and pornography and what is appropriate before and after marriage and boundaries. The real heart of the issue lies in desire, in longing.
The longing for love and acceptance.
God creating with a desire for fellowship, for uniting with a person heart and soul, to be one with them as Christ wants to be one with His church.

The first Ten Commandment states that You shall have no other Gods before me.
And yet Satan the ruler of our fallen world, is the Father of counterfeits and lies.
He knows that God created our hearts with a deep need for love.
So often he teaches us to exchange our desires for Him: for love, fulfillment, purpose, joy in exchange for sex, instant gratification, temporary belonging, pleasure.

Satan wants us to look for fulfillment and meaning and purpose and joy and satisfaction in anything but Christ. He tempts us with work, with money, with food, hobbies, drugs, and with relationships.

If He can get us to focus on earthly things, maybe He can distract us from spending time with Him.
If He could convince us that we wanted something on this earth, maybe a relationship with someone, more than a relationship with Him.. then He would win in teaching us to serve idols- without even realizing that we were serving two gods.

Friends, we are living in such a corrupt world. There is so much darkness around us and it is difficult sometimes to see examples of true authentic and pure spiritual living. And if we look to the right and the left and ask our brothers and sisters what our principles are instead of looking to God, we may fall into lies.

Enter Matthew 7:13 where the Bible commands us to
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

Sexual immorality and lust are sins. No doubt. But also wanting anything in our heart, more than Christ is a sin. Choosing to grumble, and be unsatisfied with the blessings God has given us is a temptation from the Devil.

Anything we run to before we run to God is a sin.

Friends, we can't put our value in things of this earth. I can't put my value in things of this earth, in what people say, what people think, in relationships, in my work, in my possessions, in the things I want. For these things will so quickly fade, they will so quickly deceive my heart.

But we have a Father in heaven who yearns for us.

We have a Father who is constantly knocking on the doors of our hearts. Who knows everything about us and chooses to love us anyways with a love no one on this earth can comprehend or replicate. Friends, we have a Heavenly Father who is full of grace and forgiveness. And He's calling us up higher- to a higher standard than where we have been.

And I don't know about you- but I want to follow Christ's call upward. I want to know of the higher standard.

I want to know what it means to be so fulfilled by His love for me that my desires for everything on this earth fade away so dim. I want to know how to be so in love with Him, that nothing on this earth really matters so much. I want to know His love for me. And I want to know how to walk in His standards of purity- not mine- not this worlds' - not anything I've been taught from a book. I want to know of Christ's standards of purity, and of His grace, and love that fulfills everything our hearts desire.

Because when I know the love of Christ, the fulfillment that He brings to my heart, then the lust of my heart is no longer even an issue. Because I am so fulfilled by Jesus that I don't want anything more.