Overcoming alone

One of the times in the Bible I see Jesus experiencing the agony of being alone is in the Garden of Gethsemane.

 Jesus was being faced with His darkest storms. Satan was throwing at Him the worst demons, lies, and temptations. Darkness surrounded Jesus and he had to be full of fear knowing how he must die a painful death on the cross- taking a risk that humanity might reject him totally.

He was with three of his best friends and yet he felt totally alone. He said to his closest disciples "Sit here while I go and pray over there, for my soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with me."

Falling on His face in despair and pain and loneliness and agony.. he pleaded to God to provide another way less painful. To provide an alternative method of salvation. To provide a comforter or a friend in this dark time..

Yearning for support, for help, for guidance, for love- he looked over to his best friends- only to find them sleeping. In the time he needed them most.. they were sleeping. In the time He needed God's spirit most, God had to watch his son suffer alone.

Alone, loneliness. Jesus went there to the depths of this feeling and this place. He went there to show us that we could go there too and that we could overcome it like He did. I think He went there to show us that people on this earth are always going to let us down. There are going to be times where even our closest friends don't seem to understand that pain we are going through or see us. 

And yet it's comforting to know that we never have to experience the exact loneliness Jesus felt- of having to be pulled away from His loving heavenly Father.

I think the more we dwell close to the heart of God- the more we will no longer have to face the enemy's spell of loneliness. I don't believe God created us to have loneliness- He created us to dwell in relationships. 

And when we are lonely, I believe it demonstrates a lack, that there's something missing in our lives. The heart of God is so relationally based that the trinity is made up of three not one. God has designed our hearts with a longing for belonging, with a desire to fellowship, with a desire to know others and to love them.

And I can only imagine what heaven will be when this love is truly fulfilled as we all choose to be one.

Until heaven, I believe we can overcome loneliness by drawing nearer to God's character of inclusiveness, love, and harmony while choosing to follow Jesus' footsteps and learn to serve others- everyone around us. 

Journey to the heart of God

There is a secret path that leads to the most incredible destiny imaginable, and the way we find true joy on this earth is by getting to know our Creator.

Every human being finds himself or herself lost on this landscape of reality-- and eventually will come to realize that this life must mean something more than this. This emptiness, this brokenness, this addiction, this failed relationship, this sick child-- this ever present ache and yearning for more.

We were made for so much more than this earth. We were made for a living love-relationship with our Maker. We were made to receive all of our peace, all of our love, and all of our satisfaction from Him. The problem is quite often we've traded the joy and plans God has for us- for counterfeit idols.

As Isaiah 59:2 says "But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear."

Jeremiah 2:13 says "My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and they have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

So friends, we have to choose whether or not daily we will journey towards the heart of God.

What is the heart of God? What does it mean to transform our thinking according to His? What does it mean to get to know a Savior that understands the depths of our hearts?

Journey with me as we get to know who God is- on a more relational level- to understand what His character is about and what His higher purpose is for us.

Sometimes we have to go back to basics-- where we remember to meet God as a friend and Savior, to confess our sins as someone who has fallen so short of being holy, and to let the Holy Spirit change the thoughts in our minds..

*following steps and teachings of Truth Link Bible studies

I have to love her

One thing I've been super convicted of lately is that Jesus commands me to love everyone.
And that may not seem super surprising to you.. but the everyone part just throws me off a bit.

Because here's my thing, can you really love someone so much at a distance?
Does Jesus stay distant from us? Or does He run to us, embrace, us and love us by spending His presence with us?

My point being, if we really have to love everyone, that means Jesus calls us to be friends with everyone. To be kind to everyone, to spend time with people, to always lend a hand to the broken. And again, that seems basic knowledge..

Until I met her.
Until I met the girl who drives me crazy, who annoys me so much. Until I met the girl that has to look like Barbie and be so vain. Until I met her the girl who makes me feel like crap- the girl who steals away my confidence.

Jesus do I have to love her?
Do I really have to love her?

Because it's hard and it's uncomfortable and it's awkward.
It's frustrating, it's difficult, it would be much easier to let go.

And yet if we truly want to be like Jesus, we have to love like Him.
I know that Jesus doesn't just command us to love cute people, to love nice people, to love people who love us back.

I know that the Jesus I know loved me when I was so unlovable. When I was difficult to please, when I was selfish, when I was a brat- He loved me.

And as Jesus loves me, so I must love.

And I know that Jesus loves her.

I know that Jesus loves the girl who dresses up too much and takes too many pictures. I know Jesus is crazy about the girl who is constantly sleeping with guys. I know that Jesus dances over the girl who doesn't seem to shut up to me.

And I know that if I could see her through the eyes of Jesus, I know I could love her too.

So I have to stop blaming this girl, I have to stop putting the blame on her-- as for the reason I don't love her. I have to stop naming excuses.

Instead I have to take my eyes off of her, off of myself, and I have to look up to the heavens. I have to get to know Jesus again.

Because if I really knew Jesus, I wouldn't be judging her the way I was. So I have to re-meet Jesus, re-visit His kindness and His grace... and then when I see Jesus again, I have to pray to Him.

Jesus change my heart. Jesus change my heart again. Teach me to love like you. Teach me even how to love her.

"Beloved let us love one another because love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love" 1 John 4:7,8

I don't like it

"I don't like it" I told my mom for the millionth time after completing my 12 hour shift for the night.
"I hate it." "I actually hate it." I told her.
 And she assured me, your just tired. You need to sleep. You like the kids. You like your co workers. You like helping people.. It will get better.

(great mom ;)

I am so blessed to have a stable job. I take care of kids that I love. I help kids feel better. I get to comfort families in stressful situations. I help them get through some of the hardest part of their life. I have the opportunity to be an example of Jesus' love to each and every sick person-----

BUT that doesn't change the fact that I DON'T LIKE IT. I don't like being at work. I don't like working night shifts. And I think THAT'S OK... It's really hard sometimes. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. But for right now I'm learning it's gonna be ok.

I never thought that I would be able to handle being a night nurse. And I say that for so many reasons. I never thought I would make it as a nurse- past the iv's, and pain, and suffering, and disgusting hospital rooms. And I never in my wildest dreams imagined working nights when the rest of the world is sleeping- having to stay up late, and readjust my sleeping schedule- and be sleep deprived and use caffeine. I am an extremely sleep sensitive individual.

I find it challenging because night shifts make me an emotional mess- I feel like a high school girl on hormones with extreme up and downs-

Sometimes I question my faith more. I struggle with being impulsive. I feel emotions that just seem one hundred times amplified.

But the thing I've found so far- I've made it through almost 6 months of nursing- and four months of night shift on my own-- is that God's light shines so much brighter in the dark. That with God I (and you) can do anything and that we don't have to be afraid of the dark.

We don't have to be afraid of night shift, or uncomfortable jobs, or even jobs we don't like.

Because when we surrender to Him, He will bless, in each and every condition.

And sometimes my prayers, at night, just become a little more desperate. "Lord help me to not fall asleep on my shift. Help me to be able to sleep right now. Help me to not kill my child because I can't focus. Help me to find joy in this when I am so angry right now. God give me patience.."

But normally at some point in the night God gives me an opportunity to read a devotional, or study the Bible, or even go to the bathroom-- and it always just makes me want to praise God. He always gives me hope- enough hope to continue through the night.

And then when I survive like 3 night nursing shifts in a row- I can just sing or dance with joy- hallelujah I don't have to do that for another 4 days!

... So I don't know if your like me, and have the natural tendency to run away from things we don't like, or that feel uncomfortable.

But if you do, remember that even those things you don't like- God can still bless. That even when you don't like it, God can still use you. God can still teach you. God can sometimes change our hearts more when we put ourselves in tough positions that make us trust Him.

And maybe someday we'll grow to like it, maybe. But maybe we won't ever.. and that's ok.. because life's not just about what we like. It's about God, His love, His grace, and His work in us and others =)

My Wondering heart

And you will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

How much do I want to find God- and to draw close to my Savior?

Do I want him more than adrenaline, more than any boyfriend, more than an amazing job, more than jet skiing across the island, or traveling the world?

What does it mean to search for God with all your heart?

In the parable of Matthew 13:44 a man found treasure in a field he didn't own. So he sold all that he had so that he could buy the field containing the treasure. Pretty smart right.

But I have to wonder, what if he found that treasure, but what if he liked his life- his toys- the things he had. And what if instead of buying the field he decided to just go over to the field to visit and like peak at it sometimes. Not to buy it, but to look at it, to keep it a secret, to hope it would stay waiting for him another day. What if he didn't buy that field?

What if like the rich young ruler, in Matthew 19:16-30, we didn't think Jesus- and knowing God the ultimate treasure- enough to be worth giving everything .What if we turned away because we wanted something else.

Friends, there are so many idols. There are so many temptations calling for our attention, and our envy, and our hearts. The Devil is prowling like a roaring lion, seeking to devour us, seeking to destroy us by turning our hearts to selfishness.

Father, how often I betray you. And I create idols in the form of  dreams or things I view as important. Forgetting that you are the only thing that is worth living for. Help me to know that you alone are the only treasure worth pursuing. Teach me what it means to love you with my whole heart. To search for your approval, and your love, and my worth from you and you alone. That's what I want Lord Jesus- to be yours.

Teach me what it means to seek you, to run after you. To chase after you like the treasure that you are; the Savior that you are. Give me the will to want more and more of you- and less and less of anything this world has to offer.

Strength from brokenness

I think as humans we're often ashamed of our brokenness. We may feel that we can never be made whole again. And yet quite often, the opposite proves true- that through our brokenness and our pain or trials, we gain strength and newness of life.

If you ask a doctor if your broken arm (simple and clean break) will ever heal up again, they will often tell you that if well trained that arm actually has the potential to become stronger than the other one. Likewise, if we think about an athlete in training, he or she is constantly breaking down their body in order to grow stronger. The physiology simplified goes something like this:

Anaerobic exercise like weight lifting or splinting causes damage to muscle fibers (myofibrils). After being damaged (inflamed, broken, worn down) the body begins to repair damage by bringing white blood cells to the scene, cytokines, and satellite cells. After 48 hours of rest- muscle growth or hypertrophy can occur because of an increase in the volume of myofibrils.

So even physiologically, brokenness and tiredness can actually induce gains. But even more so mentally, I believe brokenness, losses, or challenges give us the opportunity to overcome or heal which can in return make us more compassionate, strong, and "durable" than before. More important than mental strength though, honestly, is the opportunity to know God better.

When we look at the ultimate example of life in Jesus Christ- we also see the ultimate example of suffering. It is to be expected that we Christians will all have struggles and brokenness too. That we would want to carry some burdens to the cross with Jesus. That we would embrace our challenges and pain as an opportunity to experience what Jesus felt and to get closer to his soft, kind spirit. Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

And yet so often as a a spoiled "American girl" with a job and too many clothes, I complain about things in life that are hard. I complain about the challenges and pain instead of counting it as joy. I forget that the things that are difficult are also the opportunities to draw near to the heart of Christ. And so often I make my life here on this earth about me, instead of remembering I was created to serve.

Brokenness and pain has so much value when we choose to let it give us new perspective, relate to others better, and teach us life lessons. In difficulty, we learn who our true friends are. In pain, we appreciate the art of healing. When we are struggling, it is a chance for us like- little babies who need so much help- to cry out to God "Save me". It gives us motivation to draw nearer to the Healer, to the Father, to the Lover.

It is so hard to be broken! So hard to be lonely, so hard to be hurting!

But friends, you are not the only one suffering or being challenged in an area of your life. Look around, everyone is fighting a battle. Married or unmarried or divorced, sick or healthy, rich or poor- we are all broken sinful creatures and because of our poor choices we daily experience painful consequences of sin.

And we can own up to the fact that life is hard and that it's going to hurt sometimes-- but we can get through it and even use it as gains to know Jesus better.

Or we can cry about it, we can beg other people to help us. We can be selfish and choose to focus on ourselves instead of others. And when we focus on ourselves, our problem is amplified.

This is so hard. It's so hard to accept that maybe God's plan is not the plan you had in mind. Maybe God has something different on His heart for you then what you hoped. But friends, go back to Him. Even though you have rejected him, run back to him. For He constantly reminds us "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak then He is strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

Everybody needs help

As I was driving to get my matcha green tea latte on my way to work, I was slowed down by what seemed the longest ever traffic light. I was in the intersection where homeless men typically ask for money. And as I looked over I saw a young man asking for money with a young girl sitting in the grass at his side.

I quickly looked away. I typically don't give money to homeless people. But my heart began to hurt for them. I began to wonder if they were together, if they were married. Wondered how they got there- to the point of their life where they were homeless. I looked away again and then at the long traffic light and began to wonder if I had any dollars in my purse.

Looking back over at the homeless man I saw a sign that changed my perspective. It said

Everybody needs a little help once in a while.

And as I reread the sign, I knew I had to do something. I didn't have food. I didn't have homeless grab bags. But I did have cash. And I knew that I had enough money to spare. So I rolled down my window and gave.

Friends, it's too easy to judge. And so often, I do.
I judge them. I question the people that aren't like me- that don't think the way I do.
I ask them Why they don't have a job?
I ask them How they could fall captive to addiction?
I ask them Where is their support system, their friends, and their families- why aren't they helping?

But the truth is, we all need grace.
We all are homeless without Christ.
We are all undeserving of eternal life. We are undeserving of even material blessings. But God is the faithful provider of every good gift.

And we can judge these people, but the sign still holds true

Everybody needs a little help once in a while

Friends, life throws us curve balls and life isn't fair. Sometimes tragedy happens. This world is sinful. An expensive disease can break a family; divorce tells people apart. Many kids were not raised in homes with positive influences. They weren't taught how to find a job, how to guard their money. Friends we will never understand, why people are in the situations they are and how they got their, but we can demonstrate compassion and love.

So often, I find myself in messes I could never imagine being in.

I never imagined being a slacker student- never would have ever missed a deadline on a test. But now that I'm older, working two jobs, running around, I missed my test deadline. I had to beg my teacher for mercy. 

I never imagined being heart broken. Never imagined experiencing the emotions of deep depression. Never imagined some of my closest friends moving away. Never imagined one of my parents developing a disease. 

But we all need help. We all need grace. At different points in our life, we need help. We need each other. And as Christ's hands and feet we are called to be those lifeguards -- to be those safety nets-- that help people before they crash and burn.

So my prayer is this-- Is Lord open my eyes to look for the broken. Take away our sterotypes and misconceptions and pride. Teach us how to love everyone, including people who aren't like us, so we can be your hands and feet in a broken world.