Vulnerability

It was about a year and a half ago and I had experienced a rough day all around. I went to work at the gym and was trying to study for my upcoming exam when my boss came in. He was clearly not in a good mood and proceeded to yell at me for a few things I didn't notice. After he left I ran into the bathroom and started sobbing uncontrollably. It was there that I met a plump kind lady who took me into her arms and told me "it's gonna be ok". She hugged me and prayed over me and offered me such love... And now a year and a half later we are great friends and talk and encourage each other to walk closer to Christ.

I never would have imagined becoming friends with this lady. But sometimes the bond made in brokenness and understanding- even if it's forced vulnerablity- makes for some of the closest and genuine relationships.

Vulnerability changed my life for the better. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made and yet continue to struggle to make daily in my intimate relationships and also just in school and community.

It's really hard to be vulnerable- and I think that's something all of us can relate too for a few different reasons. It's hard to be a genuine, authentic version of yourself because you know that rejection will hurt more because it will feel more personable. It's hard to be open about your struggles when you are a Christian or Christian leader and don't want to let other people down or lower their expectations of you.  It's hard to be vulnerable when you have to be the friend to lead in vulnerability..

It's easier to say "You go first". You be vulnerable first, and I'll help you through. It's harder to say I'm going to trust you first. I'm going to be vulnerable with you because I value our relationship and cherish honesty. I want to tell you about my struggles and challenges in walking with God in hopes that one day you can trust me too and I can be there for you.

I moved around alot growing up so I always had the struggle of making new friends and adapting to new circumstances and I quickly learned that if I wasn't vulnerable, people couldn't really hurt me. If I was strong and independent, and didn't need them, I could just do whatever I wanted and a be a "nice loner". But when I stopped being authentic and vulnerable, I stopped connecting with genuine friends. I made shallow mutual friendships that were give and take, there for you when it was convenient, but nothing more or deep. I made convenient friendships but I longed for intimacy and someone to actually see me for who I was- not just the way I acted.

When we live without vulnerability- we unknowingly deny intimacy and deep connection. It makes it too easy to come and go,  to run away, and far too easy to be invisible. And in a way, it's our own fault.

The first time I was forced to be super vulnerable was when I spent a year in Peru as a student missionary. Living with fifteen other college students, in a tiny house, there was no place to hide or run. We were forced to endure together, forced to see each other in the good and bad, and we were given the choice to love each other despite our flaws and weaknesses. And that year was one of the most healing years in my life- because it changed everything I knew about friendship and relationships. I was forced to choose vulnerability or struggle alone- and because I chose vulnerability I met two of my best friends that I now still cherish. The missionaries who lived with me are still like family to me. We talk, we joke, and we pray for each other- seeing the whole of each other's characters gave us the power to love each other more deeply.

It's really hard to be vulnerable but I know that if I want to follow the example of Jesus- who shared so much with His disciples- risking and facing the hurt of their betrayal at times.. it is necessary. I know that Christ calls me to live a genuine life of love and authenticity.  I know that the world can see past the fake smiles and that the only way to reach someone is to love them with your heart and to be vulnerable with them. I know that God is the God of relationships, the God of healing and hope. And I know friends, that if we become more vulnerable with each other, in the church especially, we can do so much more to help each other walk toward Jesus.

Let's take away the mask that we have to have it all together to follow God. Let's remember that God blesses the broken, comforts those who are hurting, and wants us to carry each others' burdens. If we're too scared to share, how can we be mentored or carried? My prayer is that we would grow in vulnerability in order for our love for our brothers and sisters in the church to be deeper and more genuine.