Sunday, June 11, 2017

rantings

Have you ever felt like you were doing so good in moving on from a certain challenge or temptation, just to be exposed to one person or thing that immediately brings back all feelings from the past- and let's be real the whole enchilada of emotions.

For me, I feel like I have changed SO much as an individual since I came to know Jesus. And the cool thing about God is if we ask Him to change us- He is constantly showing us things we don't even know about ourselves and ways we can grow.

My walk with God has definitely gone through different stages but I would say that the a large portion of my time as a believer was spent in the "nice zone". This "nice zone" is a very obligatory time full of expectations, accomplishments, and rule following. For me I found comfort in this label of "nice Christian" and it began to take over my identity. If you asked most of the people around me to describe me in one word most of them would probably say NICE.

I have to imagine that Jesus too often got this nice label after all I believe Jesus is probably one of the nicest people you will ever meet. And I really believe that the majority of us Christians striving to be like God have gotten this nice factor at some time or another and felt a little constrained by it.

For me personally, I genuinely strive to be a nice person but beyond that I strive to be loving. And God says that when we are following Him we should have the fruits of the Spirit and one of those fruits kindness I believe is a synonym of niceness. It's definitely a trait Christians should have. Through kindness and niceness I believe we can represent Christ's kindness and love for us.

Yet at times it seems people easily take advantage of niceness. And yes you may say people took advantage of Jesus too. And I totally agree. But Jesus wasn't a push over, he didn't please everyone all the time... As a nice person, I have noticed that I will easily attract not as nice people who enjoy my niceness to them.

The principle makes sense because if you have someone that is selfish and constantly needs someone to meet their needs, that individual (person 1) will look for someone who is giving or kind to be their friend. This makes sense because person number 1 is broken and is looking for someone to fix them, give to them, help them, encourage them. They may attract brokenness but will not be able to stand someone just like them who is also selfish because they can not form a relationship. Thus person 2 the kind person is constantly getting offers from persons from category number 1. And this person 2 genuinely wants to help person 1.

For me though as a nice child, and even teenager, I spent alot of time reaching out to person 1's- specifically one individual. I catered to her needs, played third wheel when she had a boyfriend, and bent over backwards to be her best friend. But in return, I wasn't emotionally receiving as much as I was giving. The more time I spent with this individual, the more I came to believe myself as a passive, weak, kind, servant type of person- who wasn't as capable as her as making friends or looking nice or speaking for myself. As a young girl, this individual wounded me deeply by constantly comparing herself to me and unconsciously teaching me that my identity was found in being nice, being quiet, and that I had to perform in order to get attention. This person 1 did not mean to hurt me, but she took away my self-esteem and sense of identity and freedom. When I hung out with her, I felt unworthy, uncapable, and silenced. It was a deep wound. And I know we all have wounds from people or relationships in the past that hurt us.

I praise God though- the Lord of healing- because He is constantly offering us to heal our wounds and for me when I spent a year in Peru He changed so much about me including the way I viewed myself and even my job as a Christian God follower. I learned that while God wants us to be kind to one another, God does not desire us to be a leech in negative relationships, or to be taken advantage of to the point where we are broken. I have spent the last three years rediscovering so much of who I am in God's eyes and developing a truly authentic relationship that isn't based on what I do or do not, or what I say, or even how kind I am to others but is based on a King in Heaven and a daughter in love with her God.

The interesting though as I mentioned in the beginning is as God is healing our wounds there will be things or people that bring them up again and threaten to throw back in our faces where we came from. I recently spent some time with the individual number one I described to you and it was REALLY DIFFICULT. It is hard not to become bitter especially when we realize the full effects of how a person changed our lives forever. And then they have those old expectations of you.. back when you were a different person. Man I don't have all the answers, it is hard following God and being transformed by His love and into a person like Him- while at the same time staying emotionally and spiritually healthy as an individual.

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