Thursday, May 4, 2017

Oncology

Cancer- It's the thing nightmares are made up of and sob stories are told. It's the thing so many of us fear the most- hearing those dreadful words. It's truly terrifying and if you've dealt with personally, I sincerely apologize but I also commend you for overcoming or fighting because hey your reading this right.

I didn't want to watch people die. I didn't want to see bald mothers fighting for their lives. "I didn't sign up for this God just like I didn't sign up for nursing" I told him the moment I found out I was assigned to seminar at an oncology floor.

Do you ever have those moments when you question what God's plans are for you? When you waver and say really God you want me to do this? I was like hey God this really isn't me, this lovey dovey, showing compassion to people who are about to die.. how can I do this?

I didn't want to do it. I felt as if I were walking down hallways of death. Lonely rooms where  misery accompanied desperate prayers and where tears and vomit were common.

And I quickly learned I couldn't do it. Not on my own- no, never. Never can we take the weight of the pain of death and suffering and try to help others without letting God help us.

It wasn't what I wanted but God used the seminar on the oncology floor as one of my biggest learning experiences. My nurse was a true angel and she taught me confidence in basic nursing skills believing in me when I didn't believe in myself.

I am finally finished with nursing. My last test is over and I passed and I can only praise God and whisper to you over and over again "It was Him." It was God who gave me the strength and God who made it possible for me to pass.

My friend made a testimony video for seniors and when interviewing me what I learned in college and what I wished I knew as a freshman my answer was this "Don't be afraid to be weak because God is strong."

I feel like my college experience has been so far out of the ordinary. I started feeling strong, smart, spiritual and year by year God broke me down and re-made me and gave me a totally different calling I never would have imagined and showed me how much I really do need Him.

This world is not our home. With diseases like cancer, pancreatitis, heart failures, with problems with murder, divorce, and people who are depressed or filled with anxiety we are lost creatures. We don't have to walk through this world feeling like we need to have it all together because God truly is strong enough for each one of us. I don't have my life together, or have a perfect plan, but I know that although this world may have challenges my God has proven faithful for any obstacle I may face and because of that I look forward to the future with hope and joy.

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