Nursing is scary.
Sometimes I fear that I can't do it.
What's a 21 year old to be doing in a hospital?
A death chamber where patients are crying
Giving their last breath
Bleeding, pooping, vomitting
It's a dirty place
But beyond the dirt, it's a place that's raw
Raw full of needs
Full of emotions
Full of desperation
Where anyone in that building could just give up
Or where prayers get a little realer
Makeup gets a little thinner
And the heart is seen and heard a little more directly
Scared for my mind
Can I take all this stimulation?
Can I learn all it takes to be an excellent nurse?
Will my grades be learn enough?
Can I do all the proper procedures..
And scared for my soul
Can I deal with the death cries on a daily basis
Can my faith endure when codes beep and co-workers cuzz
In spite of my massive fears
Fears of being sticked with needles
Fears of seeing a naked person
Fears of changing a bed
My fears make me want to run
Run the opposite direction as fast as I can
And say See God
I was right
I can't do nursing.
But then right as I'm halfway running out the door
I stop to the voice of a child
That whispers in my head
I need you
It stops me. I hear her again
To take care of me
To be the best nurse that understands a soul
Who can hold me when I'm afraid
Who loves me and will show me how worthy I am.
And for her- for the hopes of that six year old African girl- that one day I will hold and nurture back to health- for her I will keep trying. I will keep on doing paperwork that bores me to tears. I will keep on going to skills lab and overcoming my fears. I will keep going back to the hospital (the death grounds). I will be a nurse because of Christ's mercy and because of hopes of helping her someday.
But in the meantime God, how bout some miracles to help me through? =)