Thursday, July 10, 2014

Selfishness- Honestly I'm Struggling


When I was in Peru, one of my biggest fears was going back to how I used to be living- spiritual complacency. Now that I’ve been back in America for two months I’m facing that fear and I’m realizing that I’ve got a big problem and it’s not going to be easy.

You see it’s not that going to another country makes you unselfish or makes you giving or makes you love God more. But what it does do, is give you a mirror. It pushes you off the fence we Americans typically love to sit on. You see in Peru you can’t fake it—everything is out in the open- and often appears just as is

One of my favorite quotes says something about “Having the courage to change your life if you don’t like where you’re going.” I think that’s about where I’m at right now. See I can justify myself and why my actions have been Christian and why I’ve had a great summer, but then when I truly get all alone and talk to the God of the Universe He asks me Brooke where are you? When have you been reading your Bible? With how much time did you seek me in prayer? How did you truly sacrifice yourself for my name without seeking self- benefit?

I can’t wrap my mind around the 360 degree radical change between Peru and America between living rich and living impoverished between waking up everyday not knowing what you are doing, just knowing you are there to serve and waking up everyday with a job and friends and things you want to do for yourself.

It’s HARD. It’s hard because I’m comfortable, I’m EXTREMELY COMFORTABLE right now. I’m getting back into my happy friend group, I dropped my eating disorder I developed in Peru and have dropped about 10lbs, I’ve bought myself tons of new cute clothes and things I thought I just needed. I’m healthy again- no pain, no worries.

I need to forgive myself and pray to God because I’ve gotten to comfortable again. I’m focused on me too much AGAIN. “I NEED GOD”, I must remind myself because sometimes, honestly, I forget. I think I’m doing ok. I think I’m being nice. And then I realize GOD WOW WHEN DID I LOSE YOU? I DO REALLY NEED YOU.

Luke 11:34 talks about your eyes and I possibly want to talk about this verse out of context for a few minutes and apply it to my struggle. What have I been looking at this summer? I’ve been looking at myself. I’ve been watching myself get healthy again, start to get in shape, start to fix my hair up, start to reconnect to friends, be a good spiritual director, be a good lifeguard again. Where have my eyes been? They’ve been on ME.

Even though I’ve prayed over campers, been kind to campers, tried to be a spiritual role model to campers, helped campers with life situations, encouraged other staff… it’s been about me. And honestly this really hurts, this really disgusts me. But I believe many of us Christians if we are honest enough with ourselves, could admit the same thing. AMERICA MAKES IT EASY AND CONVENIENT TO BE SELFISH. The devil makes business seem productive and sacrificial but really it’s a tool of the devil to distract us from looking at God and others and seeing their needs and truly being in communion with them.

“The widow who lives for pleasure is dead even while she lives”- 1 Timothy 5:6
Ouch that’s a hard verse- but it’s awakening.

2 Timothy 1:6 says “Fan into the flame of God, which is in you….”
“Preach the Word,; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke, and encourage-with great patience and careful instruction.” Titus 4:2

Because of Jesus, there is hope for me. I don’t want to live for myself. I want to live and breathe for Christ. God, I pray for forgiveness and I pray that you help me to live for you in a selfish world. Teach me how to fan into the Godly flame every day that I  be set on fire and set apart.

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