The last month of being here has been one of the hardest months of my missionary journey so far. To be blunt, I am just quite tired, burnt out with service, and I miss America. I feel like every day is a struggle with my attitude. All I want to do is climb into my bead, put the fan directly on my face, and sleep. If I don't want to sleep, I find myself checking facebook for no apparent reason, solely searching for an escape or something to think about or plan.
I'm not happy with who I am or content with my relationship with Christ right now. I struggle with the people I live with- day in and day out- to love them in spite of their faults (which we all have). I struggle to love the kids. Tons of children know my name and come to hug me, sometimes I have to make myself hug them or pick them up or I pretend to talk happily to them (although inwardly I'm not happy). I find myself often so discontent. I am not confident nor feel beautiful here.. ever.
The struggle is real in so many aspects. As I talk to my friends and family back home they often say "only two more months- that's not very long" and in my head two months sounds like Mount Everest. That is not comforting people! You try living 8 months in a foreign country, missing everything that is familiar, and being dirty and sick at times- then tell me only two months. I feel like I can't make it so much- but then God carries me through.
It's also quite daunting the fact that while I have been here as an SM and have changed in so many ways (I feel like a completely new person) others have changed too and their lives have moved on. Many friends back home have made new friends and done great things and it is extremely hard to keep in touch with them and understand that we have both been through so much. Sometimes I try to express my feelings or struggles with them and I feel that they do not in any way understand or empathize with me and my life here in Peru. Sometimes I wonder if I will have any true friends when I return or will they ever understand who I have become.
I need God. I need Him every day, every hour, every minute- I need His healing hand for my heart, mind, and body. He tells me He is faithful. He tells me He will heal me. He tells me He will finish what He started. He tells me to trust Him and He tells me to think about whatever is good, pure, uplifting, and beneficial. He tells me to thank Him every day.
3 things I am thankful for today: #1 that Southern is here and for all the nice people that came and want to be my friends ;), #2 that I only have 2 months left (I can do this with God's strength), #3 for God's help with the children's program and that we found the puppets and rocked a puppet show last night
Please pray for me and all of the missionaries and Southern students here at AMOR.