Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I'm a weirdo =) hiding part 2

Why do I choose to hide?
Insecurity? Distrust?
It's never been a family trusting problem, but I've always had a hard time making friends.
Idk I guess I'm awkward or just different.
This guy on Gym Masters told me I was the awkwardest girl he had ever met.
Something about me is I want my friends close. I want intimacy and real relationships. I hate casual talk- I actually stink at it. It really hurts me when friends and I get in fights or disagree. Like really it tears my heart. I really care about the people I'm close too- they're my friends forever.
It's just I'm different than a lot of people. I don't think like most. I don't know pop culture. I'm pretty sarcastic but really caring and sensitive. I'm confident and bold in athletics and competitive too but I'm insecure when it comes to boys, and dressing up, fashion, gymnastics- that kinda thing.
I like people who I'm not afraid are going to judge me.
I would rather play in the mud and be outside and just pretend and be crazy. I would wear shorts and sandals and surf all day long if I could.
Am I really that different?
Or am I just insecure?
Why do I feel the need to hide?
Is it because I feel the pressure to be perfect?
Possibly.
This hiding thing has to do with why I haven't gotten in any major relationships. For one, I don't open up to people. For two, once they like me, I typically start hiding.
I've always been good at the things I do whether it be academics, sports, or church activities. I want to be the best. I'm close to a perfectionist with some things. I have only liked five guys in my entire life. It's just I want them to be ummm perfect. Ok that's so shallow. This is so hard for me to write ya'll. I trust you don't judge... too much =)
Idk I feel like when I write on here. You are all thinking: "that girls weird, she has problems." And I have a problem with that. See I never tell people my problems, never cry, never ask for help.
This is a problem, haha I know.
God is changing me slowly. He is making me a more vulnerable and trusting person. Now as for the different part, I believe God calls us to be set apart from this world. We need to be confident in our identity as His child.
I realize that this blogpost is not devotional content, but confusing personal matters. I pray you receive some benefit from me pouring my heart and struggles out. I hope you have the strength to be honest to yourself about what you are struggling with. If you need someone to listen, I will always be here to help you =)

2 Timothy 1:7-For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Hebrews 13:6 - So that we may boldly say, The Lord [is] my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

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