Friday, November 30, 2012

Waiting To Be Loved

"To be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known"
I want to be loved. I want someone to hold my hand, to hug me when I'm down, or to tell me I'm beautiful. I want a guy to cherish me for who I am. But I'm not worried.
I am loved. I am sought after. I am beautiful. I have a King in heaven who is passionately crazy about me. He knows me better than I know myself.
Cliché?? Why? Do you not believe God loves you that much?
He died for you.

 I don't regret my decision to stay pure and guard my heart until God provides. I have heard so many heart breaking dating stories and break ups. I know loving someone is a battle. It's a choice and a fight in this world of evil. Sometimes I wish I had a boyfriend, not gonna lie. I mean it'd be nice to have someone to run too all the time. It'd be nice to go on dates and be all romantic. Ugh whatever =)  I'm so thankful that God has helped me wait.

God has blessed me with some great guys in my life who have helped me when I needed it. They have offered me spiritual wisdom- which I believe guys are designed to do. I know I want my guy to be a Spiritual leader.

God has been my lover, and I'm learning how much more He wants to love me.
It's hard to love someone unlovable. Since God gives us free will, it's possible that we could choose to deny his love. Why would we deny love? I don't know. When we choose the world's ways instead of God's we choose to gratify our sexual desires and we miss out on some of God's loving blessings. When we choose that we want love from guys of this world instead of God's love that's what we are gonna get. We are going to be empty inside because guys of this world can never give us enough.

God has lifted me up and held my hand every time I have needed it. When I'm desperate is when I find it. It's strange. Is it because that's when I look? Do I only look for Him in moments of desperation? I should hope not. But trust me, if you trust God, God will bless at just the right time.

Southern was really tough for me at first. I had this inward battle. I wanted to be loved and treasured by a guy. I mean I've never had that and kinda have recently gotten to the more "boy crazy" stage in my life. I mean I'm 18 it's normal to start thinking about guys right? I'm not gonna lie I didn't even think guys were hot until 16. Call me tomboy, guys were play mates =) Anyways coming here I left a bunch of my friends that I had taken security in for so long. Like at summer camp, I had the best friends I've ever had. I said goodbye to all of them when I came here to Southern. It was so hard at first. But I've realized God is always gonna be here for me. He has blessed me in so many ways. I've learned that..
I don't have to wait to be loved.

I am loved right now.

And so are you =)


We see pain everyday and we pass it by. We look the other way. We say "I'm sorry" but do we mean it? We've became so numb to so much around this. We are trying to protect our self. Jesus calls us to be vulnerable for Him.
I've heard the crucifixion story multiple times. Last summer a girl at camp came to me crying, what she said really changed my perspective. She said "I can feel it", "it's like I can feel his pain" and "it hurts him so bad". She was crying and desperate. She just kept saying how she could feel the pain of the cross and how much Jesus suffered for her and she couldn't believe He did it for her. She was truly mourning because of her sins and how much they cost Jesus.
When have I been moved to tears because of the story of the cross? When I was little, sure. Oh I'm sure it hurt, and of course I love Jesus... but. BUT? But I've heard this story so many times, it's just like science to me, it happened it's over, it's now. Yes I try to thank Jesus. I pray to him sometimes and thank him for his sacrifice.
No that's NOT ENOUGH.
How do we grasp the crucifixion? The true story of GRACE? It's our PURPOSE our HOPE and our reason of LIVING and BREATHING. How do we embrace the cross? We die to our own. We take up our cross, our battle, and surrender it to God just like Jesus did. Take a moment with me to think about a battle that you are currently facing. Post it as a comment below when you are willing to surrender it to God the way he surrendered his cup of pain and misery: crucifixion. This is a beautiful poem. Prayerfully read it. I hope you are blessed.

Take This Cup

I imagine the pain He felt
As He walked to the Garden to pray.
My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ
Facing the greatest challenge of His days.

Knowing the agony and suffering,
Shame and despair that will certainly be
As He’d take my sins upon His back
And walk the road to Calvary.

“Take this cup,” He pled that night
To His Father in reverent cries.
“Not My will but Yours be done,”
As tears of blood fell from His eyes.

In that Garden called Gethsemane
He accepted what was to come…
Sacrificial love for you and for me,
Though He would be mocked by some.

He would be beaten and flogged
Until His flesh was cruelly torn,
A mockery of the King of Kings
Was made in a crown of thorns.

With humble resolve He carried out
The will of the Father that day,
But I will never forget His fears
That He felt in the Garden’s stay.

I see Him kneeling, crying out
To “Take this cup from Me!”
And I often sit and quietly reflect
On my own Garden of Gethsemane.

There have been events in my life
That I’ve asked the Father to take.
But victory came after the fall!
And glory came for Jesus’ sake.

Had the cup been taken away,
The events changed or removed,
Would we have seen God at work?
Would there be salvation for me or you?

No, the victory came after His fall!
Defeat was no longer claimed!
And so we shall claim the prize
Of Eternal Life through Jesus’ name!

Jesus asked, “Take this cup…”
But God the Father fully knew,
This was the only way to show
His most precious love for me and you.

What is your “cup” that you pray about?
Where is your Garden today?
God knows the steep roads ahead
And He’ll guide you all the way.

In the end His glory will shine
Just like it did that third day….
Find your Gethsemane and His will is revealed
Each time you go there to pray.

“Not My will but Yours be done.”
Is what Jesus’ example portrays,
And may we seek to humbly accept
The “cup” that comes our way.
Lucy Cain

I hope you dance

Wednesday, November 28, 2012


Today I am pretty sick. I was sick yesterday too, but today I'm just weak. I might have a fever but I don't have a thermometer to check. I realized my spiritual life is a bit sick too. I haven't spent quality time in God's word and in prayer since before thanksgiving. I mean I've gone through the motions and sent up a few prayers but I haven't had a fervent (is that a word?) Bible study for a while where I have really communed with God and let Him search my heart.
Today I will spend that time with God in recovery as well as extra time at rest.
We have to do a "senior project" for the honors curriculum and I have an idea for mine. I will be doing my senior project junior year because that's when I will be graduating from Southern. I would like to start a new ministry called maybe "Happy healing" or something for the sickly kids in the hospitals around Chattanooga. We would get in teams and bring face paints, balloons, and juggling or other talents to the kids in the hospital rooms. My hope is that we would be able to talk to them, share Jesus with them, and develop a relationship with him. I hope it works because helping the hospitalized kids has been a dream of mine for a while.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Circus Days

Tonight at Gym Masters I accomplished something I am quite proud of as it is one step closer to Clownland hahaha I learned how to balance on those big balls while juggling. At first learning was very terrifying for me because on the second day of practicing I fell backwards and hit my head on this wooden pole. I am so happy I finally have learned how to balance and juggle. This will be a new edition to my juggling routine that will be shown at homeshow 2012. Gym Masters is going good. Do I just juggle? Mostly. I am involved in group routines which are fun. I can second a two high but coach usually uses me as a back or spotter. I am learning basic tumbling which is fun, and I will also be taking a basic tumbling class next semester. I am blessed to be part of Gym Masters even though sometimes I'm like "this is definitely not my thing". Often I joke around that I am the team klutz guess it fits well since I am the team clown. Haha I have never been the graceful like a butterfly type but I do my best not to embarrass my team =)


It's Monday, day 1 of being back to school, and I'm already tired.
"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life
your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking around life- and place
it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing
you can do for him. Don't become so well adjusted to your culture that
you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention of God. You'll be
changed from the inside out.
God brings out the best of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."
The Message: Romans

I'm so weary.
Tired of trying.
I don't want to be here right now.
Take my everyday woes and give me your passion.
May your all consuming fire purify my heart and mind.
Make me like you.
May I truly love.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Here Am I Send Me


"To go into the world near and far and reveal to people that they have a passionate lover in heaven: a Master creator that thinks they are beautiful. He knows not only their name, but understands their dreams and secret desires. He wants to hold their hand through life's biggest trials. To heal the children whose hearts and bodies have been broken or deprived and introduce them to the Healer and lover of their soul forever."

"To go into the world near and far and reveal to you that you have a passionate lover in heaven: a Master creator that thinks you are beautiful. He knows not only your name, but understands your dreams and secret desires. He wants to hold your hand through life's biggest trials. To heal your hearts and bodies that have been broken or deprived and introduce you to the Healer and lover of your soul forever."

I wanted to go. I pleaded with God, take me and make me a missionary. Here I am Lord send me. He said to me Take me to Southern with you. Take me to Gym Masters and Bible Study. Take me to church and pay attention to the sermon. Take me to your halls, your RA, and sweet mates. Study me in your room. Talk about me all the time. They need you here. Stay where you are and dwell in me.

I still feel called to be a student missionary but I don't believe right now is the right time. I read "Honestly I'm Struggling"  Heather Bohlender and I recommend it to anyone wanting to be a missionary or wanting a great testimony.
Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint


 What if your blessings come through rain drops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise.

Blessings in my life

* Autumn Zapara: I got a wonderful roomie! We're best friends seeking God's will for our life. We go on walks and make fun of each other's styles. She's Miss Feminine and I'm definitely a Tomboy. We understand each other and talk about everything. She's such a blessing.

*Southern is so beautiful. I go excited and I'm like wow this is gorgeous. The fall leaves were beautiful; the buildings are nice. I can hike outside and go on long walks.

*I have so many class options. Southern is preparing me for a great Physical therapy program. I've been told Southern's one of the best colleges for PT programming. Though my A&P class is hard, I'm enjoying all my other classes.

*I made Gym Masters. I never thought I would or could. I was dreaming about it all summer. It's different than what I thought. But it's a place where I learn new things and can belong. I also get to travel all around.
*My family. I love them indescribably. I am so thankful they love me so much.
*My God is alive. He is full of grace. He knows more than my name- he calls me friend and daughter.


He was watching me cry as I waited for the plane to board. I knew it. He was watching the freak show. Why was she crying? Did he care? Did he feel bad for me?
I hid my tears until I went through security. I had kissed my parents goodbye hundreds of times before. It was only three weeks til Christmas. "I can do this", I told myself.
At school, everything changes. It's a different world I'm still a stranger too.
Why's it so hard for me? I love them so much. I miss my family: my familiar zone. The life I'm good at. I rock at living at home, being Brooke, hugging my mom, hanging out with friends I have had forever. Ok these days even those are fading.
I'm just not ready to be on my own. I want to be held. I want to be loved.
I know I can do this. God is blessing me on my journey here at Southern. He has a plan for me. He will hold me. He gives me the strength to say Goodbye